mumprime

pain isn't interesting

2010-06-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

This is partially a moan, but also just an observation.

The world of blogs reflects real life, the most read blogs are either on popular topics or very well written. When you narrow it down to health related topics, it's very revealing.

If you get cancer, or your kid gets cancer, you are carrying a baby with a fatal diagnosis - bad stuff, horrible stuff that I wouldn't wish on anyone - and you blog about it, whether you already had a blog or not, then people read it and people comment on it and if you are blessed with the skill of writing then you may have more followers than you ever imagined. I don't begrudge anyone any of those followers, but it reveals a truth that dicing with death is something that interests a lot of people.

I've followed blogs of unborn babies with fatal diagnoses, but once that baby has died, after a few weeks it undeniably drops lower down my list of things to read if I have time, but the grief isn't gone for the blogger, it's only just beginning. The statistics reveal that I'm not the only one.

Joints that need surgery are a lot more interesting than joints that don't, pain that comes from a dramatic accident is more interesting than pain from other sources.

My hip pain is boring, so boring that I'm bored of it, I rarely talk about it and I've got so used to it that as long as it remains within some boundaries I forget about the adaptations I've made and the things I don't do, but now I realise the consequences of that aren't great, I've not been thankful for the many things I have been able to do recently, but I've also been neglectful, it's not news to me that my body needs more than just time to recover from pregnancy and a c-section, I knew I needed to do physical therapy and I can't just blame the fact that I didn't on depression.

If I bother to listen, I know my body an awful lot better than I've been acting recently. To have a flare up of pain in my hip that other than immediately post surgery is the worst I've had since surgery or even in the year before it is not something I could have predicted, but I could have and should have predicted that something would happen, that the relative well being of my joints, muscles and ligaments was not because I was managing my body well.

Getting to a point where I needed crutches to get to the bathroom has presented me with a much bigger task to get to a manageable place because now I don't just have to deal with muscle weakness and imbalance with a moderate amount of pain thrown in, I know have to do it with severe pain and I also have to find someone who can help me do that, there are a lot of physical therapists around, but they all have areas they are more experienced in and hypermobility, hips and postpartum isn't something I currently have a good contact for, the best I did work with has relocated!

speech recognition

2010-05-15T16:33:00.000-07:00

This is typed using Microsoft speech recognition. I am trying to teach myself have to use it. I also have to teach my computer hard to understand me. Which is why there are a you must eight and there's. That was supposed to say mistakes. I am not correcting anything other than what I can correct using the voice commands I already know and I'm very impressed with this sentence. You to the use speech recognition to navigate not just dictate but I can practice better by dictating.

Unfortunately there are some commands and that I made accidentally then don't know how to stop them and have done some random things. I think I will use the mouse to publish this post rather than risk losing it.

Today we went to discovery and the tide was and there were some naturalists helping children find animals in the tide pools. We saw crabs, snail eggs, an anemone, starfish and lots of other things. We got all wet and sandy but despite not really planning and we seem to have survived without too much mass. That should say mess not mass.

Tonight sausage boy and I plan to go to a dancing show, I'm feeling tired but hopefully I will be able to keep my eyes open. At the moment dictation is slower than typing I think it will be worth practicing.

summer?

2010-05-14T21:33:00.001-07:00

After a mild winter, we seemed to have a wet and cold spring, never being quite sure if we really were going to have a winter without snow, or if that frost was the last one, but finally, I think we can be confident of no more frost, plants will survive! This week has given us a brief hint of summer, but the forecast seems to be rain rain rain, other than tomorrow, which is supposed to be nice and we plan to join a walk around some tide pools.

Birthday season is about to hit us with great force, it begins on Monday with Banana Girl's "summer" birthday, her preschool class make sure each child gets to celebrate, so her June birthday is actually going to be celebrated on Monday, meaning we have to take a special snack, almost inevitably cupcakes.

Surprisingly no one has pronounced a desire to receive any specific present, other than Grace quite obviously desiring balls that are hers and can't be grabbed from her by big sister (well, they could still be grabbed, but at least not proclaimed as "mine").

Grace is walking all over the place, she's such a tiny thing, it looks really odd, Sausage Boy was similar, but he was at least a month older when he walked. She seems to be having a harder time with teething than we've experienced before and she's done the odd thing of having her top lateral incisors appear before her top central incisors, though she did follow the classic bottom central incisors first thing.

I've been baby proofing and have discovered there are some horrible things out there, but also a few rather nifty and relatively ok looking gadgets, which are of course rather more pricey! I also finally bought a mirror to put on the headrest of the seat her car seat is strapped to, she must have been more predictable, or just screamed to tell me she was awake or something, but I was finding I was asking Sausage Boy quite often whether she was asleep or awake, or having to get out of the car in the rain to check. She doesn't transfer at all, or nap reliably at home, so if she's asleep and I have flexibility, I'll use it, which sometimes means parking the car and reading or knitting whilst she sleeps!

"The Book Group"

2010-05-10T20:01:00.000-07:00

I just stumbled across this TV show on hulu.com, it's a British comedy, originally aired on Channel 4 eight years ago. I'm glad I missed it then, so many bits of it just wouldn't have made sense.

I only even clicked on it because the thumbnail had a picture of an actress from "Green Wing", also available on hulu, an utterly bizarre comedy set in a hospital, which originally aired in 2004 and 2006.

The setup is an American in Glasgow who starts a book group, the American is played by Anne Dudek, who played a doctor applying to join the team in "House MD". Eight years ago neither actress was familiar to me, a show full of completely new faces is harder to get into (for me, at least), nor had I much experience of the US and had barely visited Scotland.

Eight years is more than a quarter of my life, it's two thirds of my adult life, but it's not long enough ago to make the show seem dated, it just makes me a different viewer.

It wasn't exactly a major plot element, but an ongoing thread about the drinking of tea tickled me no end, I could see if the other way around, Anne Dudek's character simply didn't know how to respond to putting the kettle on and drinking tea and I know that feeling, it's striking how different a social event is, or even a professional contact is when it doesn't begin with making tea of coffee together, it's not just the drinking of it, but the making of it, there's something about standing in the kitchen, waiting for the kettle to boil, it changes the whole dynamic.

It also gives a purpose to a social interaction, it's much less threatening to invite someone over for a cup of tea than over for a chat.

There appear to be two series of 6 episodes each, presumably twelve books, the first being "On the Road", by Jack Kerouac, which I haven't read, I've heard of it, but barely, it seems to make top 100 lists, whether they be of the twentieth century, or the English language in general. Whenever I see one of these lists, I seem to have read more than average, but started and not completed about as many as I actually have read and most of those before I ever saw such a list - so I didn't start them to "score points", though I'm not sure why I did, though why I failed to complete them is potentially an equally significant aspect of my personality. Apparently if you bear with the nonsense language of "A Clockwork Orange", it makes sense in the end, but after chapter one I gave up! So I suspect I could be a 0/12 on if I've read any of the books they are discussing.

Maybe it will inspire me to read more, to try one of the books they discuss, or then again, maybe not, I prefer to laugh than to read "seminal works", I even had to look up what seminal actually means, then laugh at myself for having spent 15+ years knowing what a seminal vesicle does, but not noticed that seminal and semen are derived from the same root - which explains why I'm not particularly hot when it comes to languages!

Postcards and blessings project

2010-05-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

Sausage Boy and I have come up with a rather ambitious plan, we're going to try and send a postcard to someone in every state in the USA and hopefully receive one from each state too.

The idea is that we want to bring a smile to someone's face, or rather to lots of peoples' faces, we don't want to do a simple exchange, you send me one, I'll send you one, though if we link up with children who do want to do that, it would be great, but instead learn the blessing that an unexpected postcard or note can bring and practice that ourselves.

I chose the states of the USA as our target as an opportunity to learn some geography too! So now we need to get started, but we don't know many people in the USA, so if you have a friend or family member the could do with a smile right now, then please let me know and we'll send something to them very soon!

-ish

2010-05-03T20:45:00.000-07:00

Banana Girl has discovered the suffix "ish" and it's rather fun to hear what words and concepts she is applying it to. Playish is a common feeling around here recently, it seems to specifically apply to board games, so "I'm feeling playish" means "Will you play snakes and ladders with me?". Being in the US, it's actually chutes and ladders, with appropriate pictures, which she calls slides and ladders, which sounds most peculiar.

Another one is crawlish, I've only heard it once, but it seemed very appropriate, Grace was sitting looking at an open door and we both sensed she was about to make a crawl for it and she announced "Grace is feeling crawlish", which seemed to sum up the situation fairly well.

eggplant - flop

2010-04-23T20:10:00.001-07:00

I had nursed some eggplant seeds into germinating, they require warmth above room temperature, so I had to rig up a source of heat, eventually up they came, but when I checked on them today, they had all gone flop. My best guess is that I didn't give them light soon enough.

However, if I sow some more seeds again this weekend, I think they have a chance of being mature enough for planting out when the weather is warm enough, I'd planned on a 2nd and possibly 3rd sowing anyway, as it's hard to predict exactly when the weather is going to be warm and when the first frost will come.

If it doesn't work out, maybe I'll hit a local nursery or garden centre and see if they have any varieties that might work in our garden.

I'm also debating whether to chance a first sowing of beans soon, it may be too cool, but you get so many in a packet, that if it fails, it's no big deal. Carrots are also high on my mental to do list for getting in the ground.

Captain of the friendship

2010-04-22T14:20:00.000-07:00

That phrase sounds ungrammatical to me, but it's what Sausage Boy's teacher calls a child when it's their week to tell the class about themselves, have their parents come in etc.

Today was parent presentation day and it's a hard act to follow when recently they had a brain surgeon in! We decided to talk about ballroom dancing and I decided my tactic would be to not plan it and cross my fingers that the students got involved and had questions.

Thankfully that approach worked great, I asked them if any of them had seen "Dancing with the Stars", which a lot of them had and then had them tell me any types of dances they could remember, which seemed to go fairly well for 6 and 7 year olds, even if some of the answers were the songs or themes.

We showed a video clip of Sausage Boy dancing and of a fairly good couple who were 9ish when the video was taken, then Sausage Boy demonstrated a cha cha, with Banana Girl, who has never taken a dance class, so though it was bad as Sausage Boy hasn't been doing classes recently and I was counting rather than using music and also trying to name the steps.

Then we clapped the rhythm together which I was impressed with and one of the girls asked a good question about types of music and the beat of the music in her ballet class.

Sausage Boy also showed some medals and ribbons, so all in all, it went extremely well and there were still hands up to ask questions when it was time for them to go to lunch, which is how it should be, rather than ending in an awkward silence!

Reorganising the house

2010-04-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

I've beem musing for a while if a certain piece of furniture would fit in a different space and if it would work well there. I'd measured up and determined it would fit, but was undecided on whether or not it would work.

It's going to have to work as I've now moved it and I'm not moving it back! Unfortunately this means that currently about half of what it previously contained is on the dining room table, it needs sorting through and allocating a new home.

I also think I've returned most of the Duplo (big lego) collection to it's home, taped up some damaged boxes and done a few other bits and bobs that has made a big change to one corner of the back room.

Whether it was the exertion or just where my body is on the coughing thing right now, the result was lots of coughing, which seemed to cause pain beyond my chest, which hasn't gone away now I'm no longer coughing. I can't figure out if I feel worse because of how long this has been going on, or if it actually is worse, but the one thing it isn't is any better and it's 5 days out of the 7 of trying the current treatment before we move to trying a scheduled rather than just as needed inhaler - I didn't think 30 year old non smokers could develop asthma, but if the nurse practioner is right, then apparently they can!

I wish this were an April fool

2010-04-17T23:17:00.001-07:00

I just read the first chapter of a book (online, you have to buy it to read the rest) about training a child.

I do think you have to train a child, at least in some areas, but I'm strongly against pain in very young children and deliberately creating tempting situations where you get a slap on the hand if you don't resist.

One training method was for what to do if a nursing baby bites - you should pull their hair! There are many training and preventing methods for this, that acheive the same result without being mean. I put Grace on the floor and say the milk bar is closed.

The first chaper is here

green fingers

2010-04-03T15:14:00.000-07:00

I really don't know how the previous owner of our house managed to grow as much as she did in the front garden, it is so overgrown, yet amongst it, there are things that are green, happy, with beautiful flowers, yet every time we dig, all there seems to be is sand, wood chips and leaves, I haven't really come across anything I would call soil!

Right now it looks like we've let wild animals loose as there are holes from a couple of things we pulled up completely, as well as the area uncovered because I broke a pipe!

cough cough

2010-04-01T10:35:00.000-07:00

I've finally made an appointment to see someone about this cough, I really have no concerns that it's anything but a leftover cough, but it's got so exhausting, I think it's time to try presciption rather than OTC cough suppresants, which means seeing a doctor.

Now I just need to figure out what to do with the rest of today!

How to inspire confidence...

2010-03-25T12:48:00.001-07:00

...or not - seriously, if you're a doctor, don't tell your patient they know more about their condition than you do because you learnt about it in medical school and have since forgotten!

Unless of course I happen also to be a doctor, which I'm not, I know where the neck of the femur is and the acetabular labrum, I also know where the trochantric bursa is (but I probably can't spell it). I know I have a rare condition, but I work best with a doctor who knows that, admits that and tries to at least refresh their memory.

When Grace was born, I had a phone consult with the anaethetist beforehand, he apologised for being slow in returning my call because he had taken the time to do his research and talk to other anaethetists who had worked with someone with EDS.

Rare, but not life threatening makes for a condition that very little is known about, particularly when the disabilities it causes are that something is painful to do rather than impossible. It could be life threatening in certain circumstances, mostly if unrelated bad stuff happens, my risk on the operating table, or in recovery are greater than other people my age, my risk of falls is higher and thus complications from them.

One particular problem that I have is poor control of blood pressure and all that the medical community seems to know is there is a statistical link between EDS and orthostatic hypotension - something most people seem to get sometimes, feeling dizzy if you stand up to quickly, but I'm becoming suspicious that there may be more that hasn't been noticed, particularly as I suspect that ultimately what is currently hypermobility type EDS may well be split into subgroups, for example, I have worse skin than many in this group, but joint instability in the most commonly tested joints and directions of movements is not as bad, but some movements, particularly rotations seem worse - and it's these ones that seem to lead to bone and cartilidge deterioration.

I'm available for medical research should anyone want me! My obstetric history in particular seems to be almost unique, that I also have narcolepsy makes me particularly unique, working with 1 in 2000 for narcolepsy and 1 in 5000 for EDS, that makes me 1 in 10 million, making the expected overlap for two independent conditions be about 30 people in the USA, 6 in the UK, i.e. still a very small number even if underdiagnosis of both conditions make them more common than the current numbers suggest.

...flop...

2010-03-23T19:18:00.000-07:00

I definitely have more energy these days, tired, but more energetic. The longer days and the clock change work very well for me! I've been enjoying getting out in the garden after dinner.

Unforunately, last night, in an attempt to pull up some roots, I managed to snap the pipe to one of the sprinklers, it looks like we should just be able to get a new section of pipe, a small job, not a big job we hope!

I stood and stared at the front garden for a while, it is overplanted like crazy, all we've done since we moved here has been to remove things and more things and discover new things under the tall things etc. we got to being past caring what things got removed and if it's a thing that spreads, then we said good bye! Unfortunately these things have grown rather a lot of roots, I put in a handful of winter pansies in October or November to fill in some of the spaces and the poor plants didn't really have a chance.

I'm still not convinced if the remaining things deserve the title of plants, there are some nice ones, but in odd places, but I think we have to remove them rather than try and make things work around them because the "soil" is like trying to grow things in an extremely large pot that is severely root bound.

On a more positive note, I've transplanted some leeks, which was fun, if a little awkward with four people surrounding a pot only a foot wide and balancing Grace in my other arm.

There is still a lot of work to do, unfortunately more of the back breaking kind than the fun stuff. However I've discovered that Banana Girl is a good helper when it comes to washing the sides of older pots. Grace is a bit of a problem though, she gets cross if I close the door with her on the other side, even though she can see through it, I tried putting a line of toys to distract her, which worked, for about 5 minutes, until she crawled top speed across the deck and covered herself with soil! I'm wondering about trying a play pen in the middle of the deck, but it's evil to put up and take down and with the heavy work, I prefer to do it in short bursts!

Quilt Show

2010-03-21T17:30:00.000-07:00

I finally made it to the Quilter's Anonymous show today, though the drive there freaked me out somewhat, the last few miles are a single lane in each direction road with no separation between the carriageways. The speed limit is mostly 55mph, which people don't really stick to and there are quite a lot of trucks and I ended up with a truck following me who clearly thought I was driving too slowly. Looking back, I probably should have just pulled off, but I found it pretty stressful, not leaving enough distance is a common driving mistake, but knowing that the most likely cause of a collision would be a head on and having a huge truck right on my tail didn't make it a pleasant drive.

This kind of show, where basically, members can show whatever they want, is quite revealing of current trends, there was one pattern, which annoyingly, I can't even visualise, which I saw three times and I'm not just talking the same general pattern, but identical dimensions, borders, fabric tones etc. the only difference being the exact choice of fabric. I wasn't on the look out for anything in particular, sometimes I'm looking for ideas on how to use a particular fabric, or quilt a particular design, but this time, I was just looking, but it's interesting to reflect on what attracted me, for some reason I was particularly drawn to hand quilting, which is a bit of a surprise. I've been musing for a while on a small whole cloth quilt and I'm now wondering if I should instead try a small hand quilted whole cloth.

Unless a quilt is designed to hang on a wall, then hanging them up isn't really the best way to display them, just as putting paintings on beds doesn't show them off! When I sat down to have a coffee and feed Grace, I could see quite a few quilts from different angles and I realised how much I'd missed on the first viewing, when I'd looked quite closely, so I wandered around again trying to look from different view points!

There was a good selection of minatures this year, I've done one minature and I was pleased with it, actually, it's the only thing I have hand quilted! The nice thing about minatures is that even though making the blocks takes no less time than making them larger, putting it together, quilting and binding it is way faster, you get a finished quilt very quickly!

After debating over joining the group for 3 years, I finally did, joining at the show costs 20 dollars and lasts until mid September, if I never go to a meeting, or do anything with it, then it's not the end of the world, but I do intend to try and get involved with a satellite group, hopefully I'll find one which has some under fifties in it! No offense to my many wonderful friends who are that age, but it would be nice to meet some younger quilters too!

Reading levels

2010-03-19T16:17:00.000-07:00

Today was report card day, I'm not entirely convinced of the benefit of assessing kids quite so frequently, but it's interesting to see if the child we know and love is demonstrating the same things at school as he is at home. In particular, it's obvious to us that since the last report that he's made huge strides in reading, would the testing agree? Thankfully it did, which then raised the question what on earth do these random letters and numbers mean, I managed to for a chart that compares several different systems and they seem to be using two of them, one numerical and one alphabetical, I think they must have been labelling books according to "Reading Recovery Levels" which is a number, the first book I saw labelled with a number not a letter was K, so that fits, apparently he's now level M.

We've noticed that he's singing more and my assumption was that this was because he could now read the words on the overhead projector at church, I don't even know what they do in music at school, but I doubt it's singing words from a screen, apparently he's above grade level in that class. I've been wondering for a while if we should try and get him started on an instrument, one of our neighbours is an organist, I've been thinking of asking her if she teaches and if she'd consider trying it out with him.

The problem with counting rubbish

2010-03-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

I've not been idle on the decluttering/organising project, but I've realised that unless I'm working on an area with a significant number of things destined for the bin, then counting them takes more time than it's worth! I've made some good progress on the bookshelf I use for sewing and quilting storage, but I've not thrown much out, at one point I began collecting things to be binned in a pile on the floor, but that turned out to be troublesome and potentially self defeating, I'm making a lot of temporary piles on the floor, which need to be moved at frequent intervals before they get attacked by a child (aka Grace).

I made a decision to box up my serger (overlocker in English), I got it free, I've used it, I intend to use it again in future, but it isn't something I'm likely to use fo just a few minutes here and there, so away seems like a good place! Unfortunately the box I found was about an inch too shallow, I think I'll just have to put it somewhere such that nothing could go on top of it.

My idea in that corner of the room is to have things organised such that I can sit down and sew for a few minutes here and there, mess and junk was accumulating such that that wasn't possible, but a major transformation is occuring, I really am getting there in this area.

Clutter is a big deal for me, I'm not a neat person, I usually rely on my good memory rather than rigid organisation. But the mess and clutter bother me, I'm not a hoarder in the sense that I don't throw anything away that I might potentially need, but I do err on the side of keeping things, or not processing them straight away. Paper is the biggest problem, it comes home in school bags, in the mail, and seems to multiply and every empty surface seems to attract it. We have a desk that we created to fit our house in the UK, amazingly it fitted perfectly here too, but it's now downstairs, it's a paper magnet, I don't think I've used "my" side of it since we moved here. I get frustrated that every time I put some effort into purging some of the paper and make a little space, it rapidly fills up again. Sometimes I wonder if I should find a very large box and just plonk everything into it and if we don't use it, then we don't need it!

I still don't like this title thing!

2010-03-18T18:28:00.000-07:00

I'm full up of cold, my brain is working really slowly! Somehow, I managed to sort out some of the plants from yesterday, with some assistance from Banana Girl, we chose a pot for the ginger scented geranium, apparently it doesn't mind getting dry, or does it need deep roots, but it's ended up in a bigger pot than necessary as the one that looked perfect had a very happy lavender plant in it that I thought it best not to disturb.

I stared at a small pot of leeks for a while before eventually deciding they could survive a while longer in the pot they came in. Some swiss chard found a home in the middle of a large pot, I chose this plant because it comes up with multicoloured stems which apparently look fantastic in sunlight. I plan to put something around the edge of the container, but I haven't figured out what!

Whilst brewing a cup of tea I got brave and took the aerator to the old compost pile, it's quite liquidy down below, but the bubbles indicate it's doing something, I may need to mix some dry material into it, but we don't have a shortage of dry material, so that's ok.

The expensive garden centre

2010-03-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

We have cleaners come every other week on a Wednesday morning, it's easier all round if I make myself scarce. So I took a trip to the garden centre.

Unfortunately, if you put lots of plants together, there is a good chance I'm going to be allergic to one of them and even though I avoided the ones I know about, wandering around the undercover section got quite uncomfortable.

I know large pots are expensive, but looking at those prices is not something I want to do again in a hurry. I did discover a type I've not noticed before, they look fairly authentic and are some kind of rubbery material in a double layer, so they would probably be good insulators, they are also lighter weight than the ceramic equivalent. As it happened, none of the shapes they had particularly appealed, so it wasn't difficult to say no!

I did find a tall metal pot in the reduced section, looking like it would look in a year or so if we'd bought it full price, so at 70% off, I've given it a new home. I'm thinking of putting leeks in it, unless I think of something else that needs a particularly deep root before I actually put the leeks in it (I'd already chosen one small transplant).

I was happy to find a few plants that it's hard to start from seed, but aren't ones I could pick up for less in Fred Meyer or The Home Depot, I might not have been 100% accurate, but I don't want to have to make another trip up there in a hurry.

My big find was a compost aerator, we have two compost bins, I have a vague idea to use the older one of the two for potatoes, but I'm not quite sure what it's like at the bottom. I also saw pop up potato bags, which I plan to investigate more online. I love small new potatoes, particularly in salad and they are so much better fresh than from the supermarket, but the idea of growing them is also to spend less, not just enjoy them!

cough cough here, cough cough there, here a cough there a cough everywhere a cough cough

2010-03-16T18:52:00.000-07:00

hmm, that's probably too long a title, but it's definitely what our house sounds like at the moment!

I just discovered Banana Girl's preschool has a teacher training day on Friday, I'm not thrilled, somehow I'd managed to miss out on the info until an email today, I think I even signed her up for lunch, rather than the sign up sheet being available but crossed out, which is usually what they do for random days off.

I'd been thinking of heading to a quilt show, but now I'm unsure what to do, a stubborn 4.5yr old could really wear me out, but I do want to go, it's a guild show, non juried, so it shows everything anyone wants to show, which means that rather than looking at quilts as works of art and craftsmanship that I could never aspire to, I actually pick up ideas that are potentially acheivable, whilst at the same time getting to drool over a few outstanding quilts, I didn't make it in 2008, but the 2008 best in show was on display in 2009 and I could have stared at it for hours, though rather irritatingly they'd hung it behind a table of people selling tickets, but I got bold and asked to look closer, it's the first quilt on thispage, which does it absolutely no justice, it has tiny stuffed berries, details sketched in and beautiful quilting. The five dollar entry fee and the drive up to Monroe was worth it just for that!

Does she like red jeans?

2010-03-12T20:39:00.001-08:00

That may not have been the exact phrase, but it's the sentiment of an example of how not to treat a disabled teenager that I remember from sometime in my childhood. It was in a book, whether that was a school book, library book or something else, I do not recall, but or some reason it stuck in my head.

I'm feeling like that girl must have felt, I have thoughts, feelings, opinions etc. if you want to know what they are, then ask me, don't play chinese whispers, I can speak!

ouch!

2010-03-12T15:30:00.000-08:00

I fell over Wednesday morning, I didn't slip or trip, nor did I feel pain before I went down, my left leg just vanished from under me. My ankle felt slightly sore afterwards, but it wasn't until Thursday morning that other pains started to appear. The whole hip area has the same kind of thing that you feel the day after unusual exertion, or the day after a car crash, perhaps a bit worse.

We'd already arranged some back up childcare for this afternoon, which I'm immensely greatful for, but I'm at a loss as to what to do with myself. I've got plenty of ideas as to what to do, but I'm not in the mood, maybe that is painkillers speaking.

I need to think of something to cook with beef that's already cut for stir fry, I got it out of the freezer yesterday, but decided I wasn't going to survive cooking before I'd made a plan other than what meat to use. I can't remember whether I bought it frozen, or put it straight in the freezer, so I really need to use it today.

I also seem to have chicken drumsticks multiplying in the freezer, so I need to find a recipe other than sticky ginger chicken to use them, yummy though that way of cooking them is.

I've done some more garden planning and I definitely want to plant some spinach ASAP, we eat loads of it and apparently they are good plants for growing in the shade. I've also come across some varities that aren't actually true spinach but can be used in the same way that are red or purple vines that can be grown in hanging baskets, which sounds rather fun. Banana Girl wants to grow pumpkins and having cleared a lot of material from our small south facing front garden last year, it seems like something worth trying, so we chose a couple of packets of seeds whilst we were picking up prescriptions yesterday. Since we are having a mild winter, it may be worth starting some of the seeds inside soon and taking a chance of putting them out earlier than normal, there should be enough in the packet that we can do some on the normal schedule too.

Tidying, or not?

2010-03-11T23:14:00.000-08:00

This project to chuck things out has just turned into a mega tidy, needed, but harder. I've opened out my quilting table to I have plenty of space to lay everything out so I can see what needs to be stored together and what doesn't. I decided I'm remove my serger from the corner of the sewing machine table, it's not currently threaded, so there doesn't seem to be much sense in it being there. I think now I've started working on my bedroom, I've got to finish, or at least have it as my primary goal and in other rooms only collect rubbish, not do anything else. At least that's the theory!

Container gardens

2010-03-10T19:40:00.001-08:00

I'm not exactly green fingered, but I will try my hand with a few seeds and stick a few plants in the ground. One of my regrets when leaving Cambridge was the blueberry bushes I had to leave behind. I'd put a fair bit of research into what to buy and what to plant it in, I'd had to learn about soil types and figure out what ours was. I'd even worked out the likely return to know that it wasn't a waste of money, it was a sad day when I hauled them into the boot of the car to gift them to a friend.

Now, we have a north facing sheltered deck, it's really not all that amenable to much growing, but the previous owner managed it and I've continued to dabble, with mixed sucess, but bad weather last winter, being pregnant, then having a newborn made last season a wash out, I didn't plant any annuals, but it looks like most perennials did actually make it and are now doing very confused after such a mild winter!

Pretty much everything I know about gardening comes from the back of a seed packet, which equates to not very much! So last week, I bought a gardening book, all about growing food in containers, so I'm trying to approach this season with a bit more strategy. I now know our hardiness zone, heat zone and the average dates of the last frost of spring and the first frost of autumn, so now I've just got to figure out what I want to grow and when and where to plant it.

My previous approach has been one type of plant per container, but I'm discovering that mixing it up is more visually pleasing, makes better use of space and certain things help each other along.

I've read the basics and vegetables are the next section, it's time to start making some decisions, it's too late for things that should be planted before the winter, but there are plenty of things that can cope with a possible late frost.

This crazy body

2010-03-09T19:41:00.001-08:00

I really don't get this, conventional wisdom is that you stiffen up after being still, but the past few days have gone in reverse, my low back (I think it's the SI joints) stiffens up and this afternoon, it wasn't just an "I feel stiff" moment, but a "the broccoli is on the bottom shelf of the fridge how on earth am I going to get it" kind of moment.

Last week I finally picked up the phone to schedule an appointment to consider a cortisone shot in my hip, only to find that the doctor I've seen before has left, but it's been a long gap, so that's not such a big deal. I've never had a cortisone shot, I've got close, but me and needles in joints does not have a good history, the needle has only won once whilst I'm awake and it's a good job no one was monitoring my vital signs if the amount of sweat was anything to go by! I figure I've got to try it once otherwise I'll never know if it can help, at least if I know how it helps I can weigh that up with the risks, because from what I know it seems like the risks are from doing it repeatedly rather than just once.

2010 in 2010

2010-03-08T22:49:00.000-08:00

I came across a challenge to declutter 2010 items from your home in 2010, the idea was by any method, bin, recycle, donate, sell etc. I had the realisation that I could easily get rid of 2010 items to trash or easy recycling, so I'm doing it and I'm not just going for doing it in the year, I'm going for doing it as fast as possible!

However, I don't want to make it too easy, I'm not counting every single sheet of paper, every single receipt, I found a back of small reels of thread that I had no idea what they were made of and haven't used in 10+ years, they were tangled with the odd thing that seemed worth keeping, so every handful that I separated off I counted as one.

I'm trying to attack areas where I know there is significant proportions of things that need to go, otherwise I get distracted organising, which is no bad thing. The idea of getting rid of 2010 things seems to freeing, I want to focus on that. The only problem is, I don't want to misjudge something that is precious to a child that I didn't know about, so I think I may have to create a half way house in the garage and keep things there for a couple of weeks. I may have to create a separate box that isn't rubbish, but is the keep for a year type of box, even if it becomes a keep for three years box, I think I can cope with that.

Which reminds me I cleared some clothes away before I was even pregnant, they weren't fashionable then I'd be loony to think they've come back in, so that's a few boxes I should go through. I figure any tidying, sorting, purging is good whatever the next few years bring. We've just created a space for Nathanael where he can shut the door and do men things, it's like an indoor shed, without the power tools. I've told him he can come to me with a list of things he wants and I'll either find them in the house, or depending on what is is to buy it

what sport?

2010-02-26T11:14:00.000-08:00

Grace demonstrated a great trick recently, she appeared to be practicing starts for the luge (crazy sport where you slide down ice feet first), which had me wondering what olympic sports my other kids might be suited to.

I think Sausage Boy would be best in the coxes seat of a rowing eight, he seems headed to be the kind of height, weight and build that being 55kg on race day would be a non issue, he seems to have the right kind of personality and would have no fear of handling 8 men twice his size. He also has a very healthy sense of fear, he can spot hazards and isn't afraid to override others if necessary - the cox is in charge of the crew on the water, like the captain of a ship, I have no doubt that if he felt the conditions were unsafe, that he would override a coach. He only gets anxious about a hazard if it's not his job to do something about it and even then he does as much as his role allows. One example is when Grace was playing with something he deemed unsafe, but Andrew and I were ok with, he didn't take it from her, but watched her like a hawk, ready to jump up and take action if his fears looked like coming true. Realising his fear, we did then take it from her.

An acquaintence of mine died when their boat was swamped during training, it was reported in the press, but outside of the rowing world there is minimal knowledge of the risks, few other sports put athletes on water without a flotation device in vessels that are often flawed like Titanic or worse and being low in the water, conditions can make it come over the side, getting a hole isn't the only risk. So far he seems to demonstrate a personality that would fit the role of a cox, the ability to remain in charge of a vessel even if it's not what the coach wants you to do!

He likes to win, for him, completing a puzzle is winning a game, the pleasure of completing it comes from having beaten a piece of paper, so I could see him in sports where you compete one on one, but because of his size, it would have to be one with weight divisions, like boxing or judo, I can see him being good at them, but it may well not be something we'd even let him try, he went to a karate party once and knocked the instructor to the ground as he wasn't prepared for the mix of strength and coordination that came from one of the smallest kids there. It will take discernment in future to determine if such an activity might channel aggression to a safe time and place, or multiply it.

As for Banana Girl, she's independent, any team sport would have to be one where she could still be individual, like the leg of a relay, or an individual score in gymnastics, but not group rhythmic gymnastics or synchronised swimming. At heart, she's a dancer, so looking at olympic sports, that would be figure skating or rhythmic gymnastics, but already I see her not wanting to try things she knows she can't do, but also a perfectionist streak that perhaps as she grows she might be one who practices a move over and over again.

Grace is far to young to really have any idea, but given the recent tragedy of the death of an olympic luger during training, it's not exactly something I'll be encouraging! Physically, she seems to be our only child that demonstrates any sign of the height genes that we know are lurking on both sides of the family, but I doubt she's heading to be like my aunt, just my height or a bit more. The glimmers we see of her personality suggests the opposite to the individuality Banana Girl shows. She'll be influenced by being a third child, but with the gap, she'll also get plenty of time as an only child. For now I'll settle with lightweight rower, or middle distance runner (more scope for group training than long distance).

The great thing about blogs is that this is now recorded, it's not a diary entry that I might lose, or not keep up, because there is no point, or a thought that I had and will forget about in a few weeks, it has no short term impact in what activities they do and it's not an indication of any direction we would push them, just an awareness of doors I might want to knock on for them, the main action point for now is going to be keeping an eye open for dance opportunities for Banana Girl, she's desparate to do it.

Rough day

2010-02-11T14:01:00.000-08:00

My body isn't functioning today, ok, maybe that is an exageration, though as far as my right hand and forearm were concerned for an hour or so this morning it was true, quite literally, I've no idea what happened, no specific pain, but it's range of motion and strength reduced to about 10% of normal. I could hook the handle of my insulating mug over my hand, but not grip it with my thumb, I could lift my hand to my mouth, but not angle it so the spout was in the right place.

There is obviously something not right, I started typing this pain free and it's ramping up, though just at this moment in time function is actually pretty good, though I notice more errors are appearing and surprise surprise, they are coming from the right side of the keyboard.

I've had a gentle twinge in my forearm for months, it didn't get worse, it didn't get better, so I ignored it, not conciously, it just hasn't been a big deal, looking back, I realise there has been low grade pain from about September and on occasion, when I've gripped something hard, there has been a short sharp spike of extreme pain, but it's never even repeated once the dropped item has been caught and I try again.

The only hand/arm specialists I know of are all in the group that got dropped from our insurance, one of them got to the bottom of my 10 year wrist problem in about 10 minutes, so I'd like go back to him - if I can remember his name! It's probably worth paying the out of network rates if there isn't anyone local who's in network, going into Seattle is such a big job paying our percentage for a consult is pretty reasonable.

But it's not just this, which is just an added bonus struggle, my body just isn't coping with the physical demands of 3 children, particularly when one is a crawling baby. I really need to put some time in to physical therapy, or at least private pilates, a weekly session of hydrotherapy would probably be helpful too, along with a massage to nurse my body through it.

However, the logistics of that are overwhelming, I could get a reasonable attempt at all that at our gym, which has daycare facilities, I'd have to see a PT there to get the sessions in the pool, but right now there isn't a PT there who I feel confident working with. There is a fantastic pilates instructor, but he's difficult to get in with and definitely not at a convenient time and we'd have to pay for that. The massage therapist that seems to help me most also isn't there, so up pops the childcare issue, again.

Even if I did do everything there, going there 3-4 times a week and having to physially deal with getting each child in the right place is just not realistic right now. Twelve weeks doing that would probably make a huge difference to my physical condition, which for the past three months or so seems to be what has been the biggest factor in life management, it wouldn't fix me, but hopefully it could at least get me to a place where physically managing life is a possibility.

It feels wrong to be complaining about this, when comparing now to four years ago, when I could barely walk and couldn't even use crutches to help because my hands and shoulders wouldn't cooperate. Pain and function now are so much better than then. Back then, the children didn't make much difference, my difficulties were so significant that removing the children from the scenario would have still left me unable to care for myself, not being able to carry your baby is almost an irrelevant details if you can't actually walk to start off with!

Now, it feels like if you were to take the children away, then physically I could cope and I'd be free to take the time to improve and hopefully maintain, I'd be miserable without them, but there is no way anyone would consider my physical condition to be a disability, whereas 4 years ago, I was disabled, trying to care for two children made it harder, but remove them and I'd have still needed a wheelchair, adaptations in the house, etc.

I don't think I'm expressing myself well, I suppose it's like a sports person, you can have an injury that stops your career and takes time to rehab to live a relatively normal life, or you can have an injury that not only ends your career, but makes normal life challenging too. I'm in the first category, but instead of stopping my career, I'm muddling my way through it, doing very badly because my career is my children and thankfully they don't go away but because my body isn't keeping up with what's required of it I'm placing demands on others to fill in the gap, yet also it looks like (and feels like) I'm neglecting them. If I push myself harder, I don't just suffer more, which hard though that is, it is possible (anything is possible with God!), but it isn't just pain or exhaustion, it becomes muscle failure and being unsafe. Sometimes I can't get up off the floor, not because it's painful, I just can't, I can usually trying something else, or grab on to something, I don't worry about it, I don't have fear, but it happens, same with many other things. Plus, pain is distracting, what I have right now is nothing like childbirth, but even someone who copes very well with childbirth can't do that and drive a car at the same time.

I don't want to get into a mentality of trying to fix my body and thinking life will be hunky dory, but right now my body is teetering on the edge of making life unsafe or putting demands upon my husband that there aren't enough hours in the day for him to meet.

Rearrangements

2010-02-09T14:25:00.000-08:00

I've suddenly found myself with a cot next to my bed, not really what I expected. We tried moving Grace into the spare room at Christmas time as she was making noises that were keeping me awake. Andrew was bed hopping in the aim of someone waking up before she really had to scream, she was still in her cosleeper and the last couple of weeks we've been really pushing the limit as to whether that was safe, so last night, out came the cot - which meant we had to decide where to put it.

Long term, it will probably go in with the other kids, our house layout works best with their bedroom being only for sleeping (we don't even store current clothes in there), so we can stack a few more kids in there, but she's waking too much to risk that just yet. There isn't space for it in the spare room whilst also preserving access to other things, plus Andrew views the spare room experiment as a failure, so it's back to our bedroom.

Last night was fine, it's oddly positioned, but by keeping the drop side down I can sit up and lift her in and out without injurying bits of me. Daytime naps might not work so well, our windows are south facing and on a sunny day a lot of light gets around the shutters, which are also annoyingly difficult to close, so we've long since adapted to sleeping with them open. Not that daytime naps were working fantastically well anyway!

It seems close to impossible to truly baby proof any section of the house, but that doesn't really seem to matter - if she won't let you go out of her sight, then she's never out of ours! Which buys us a little more time, it's mostly the other kids' toys that are the issue, but bins also seem to be a fascination.

The spoon theory

2010-02-05T16:32:00.000-08:00

I read The Spoon Theory a few years ago, it makes sense, but I also didn't want to accept that my life at that time was an exercise in spoon theory and not one where I was making good decisions about what to use my spoons on.

Does anyone really live life with an infinite supply of spoons? Maybe they do, but the last time I felt like that must have been as a teenager. There have been periods of time since then where I've had a lot of spoons. The past couple of months it seems like I've deteriorated pretty quickly into very few spoons, so few that I've not really had any spare until the past week or so to actually think about where and when they went missing, it seems to me that swine flu was a major contributer, exhaustion and fatigue seem to have been out of control since then, particularly as sleep no longer seems to refresh.

Pain is up and down, my hip had a very unhappy January, but other than the 1st, February seems to be better and right now fatigue is massively more restricting than pain or stiffness, which I think just indicates quite how big a problem fatigue has become, considering that even very basic things like holding a cup of tea are painful.

I loved this comment from the spoon theory page, not just that some people have tablespoons and others have ladles, but that those of us that have tablespoons get grief for our best not being good enough. The whole thing is so hard to explain that I feel like few if any people understand my life in a world of smaller or reduced spoons and it doesn't help that I feel embarassed to say it. My depression will heal and I hope and pray that there will be times when the spoons are less limited. Narcolepsy is like Parkinson's, it gets worse, most sources say there are about 40 years of deterioration before some kind of stability. EDS just is, but there will probably be more unusual injuries and rehabs along with joint replacements, but what won't change is how many basic tasks take many times the usual amount of energy because my muscles don't just have to do the task, but also have to guard all the joints potentially displaced by the process. I just picked Grace up, not a big deal on the major muscle groups, she's only 15lb, but that was 15lb that also needed to be prevented from bending my fingers and wrists back to the point of pain or dropping her. Anyway, here's that quote...

When I saw the title Spoon Theory, I thought of an exercise from when I was training to be a volunteer counselor for survivors of sexual violence. The group of trainees was divided into two teams. Each team got a utensil and as many beans as they wanted. The idea was a relay to see who could get the most beans into a bucket at the other side of the room. The other team got a ladle, I got a tablespoon. Then as I'm trying to balance as many dried beans as possible on a tablespoon the trainer starts telling me what a bad job I'm doing compared to the woman with the ladle. But she does not acknowledge that I've got a spoon and the other team has a ladle.

This was an important moment for me because it felt exactly how many people treated me after I developed severe migraines and eventually an unrelated mental illness. When I spoke about this after the exercise the trainer told me this is what oppression feels like.

I love your spoon theory because it gets to the heart of what a disability requires, and I love my spoon story because it shows what it feels like to live in a world that often does not acknowledge our effort.

wow, more inside than out

2010-01-28T12:31:00.000-08:00

I saw a post about a 9mth old saying how they had now enjoyed their baby for longer than mum had been pregnant, so I ran the numbers for Grace, from the earliest possible date of conception, she was 8mths and 2 days from then at birth, she's 8mths and 4 days old, so whatever way you look at it she's been longer outside than in, not that this really signifies anything, but with my numerical mind, it feels significant.

Tesco bans shoppers in nightwear and bare feet

2010-01-28T10:42:00.000-08:00

See article here.

I can see there problem with bare feet, but wouldn't a notice stating it was at your own risk cover that one?

Are they going to start defining what nightwear is? If I wear it in bed at night does it become nightwear? So those old sports trousers that I wore in bed during pregnancy are forever banned from seeing the light of day?

I don't know if this Tesco is 24hrs, but if you have to do an emergency middle of the night shop, getting dressed isn't high on my list of priorities.

But then you are talking to the woman who deliberately has outside shoes for slippers, so that if I forget to change them, no one notices.

more on breastfeeding in public

2010-01-15T18:48:00.000-08:00

Wikipedia have a page on this subject, which of course will change, but that doesn't stop me from commenting on what it says right now!

What it says about China (public breastfeeding is embarassing), doesn't surprise me at all, I noticed similar in Korea, I saw mothers trying to feed bottles of what was clearly breastmilk, not suceeding, or running out and reluctantly offering the breast.

That women in Saudi Arabia breastfeed in public, even when veiled, doesn't surprise me in the least, it fits other reports I've seen of breastfeeding in other muslim countries as well as our personal experience with an Egyptian muslim we met in antenatal class, she kept her head covered and carefully scheduled her baby swim class to avoid a man seeing her (and would graciously skip class if a dad wanted to join in or take photos), but had no problem breastfeeding in front of those same men.

I'm very happy to read the 84% figure of Brits who feel comfortable with breastfeeding in public, if done discreetly, it's interesting that mothers are less confident. I dislike the qualification of discreetness, but having never seen a nursing cover in the UK and very limited availability of nursing clothes, breastfeeding discreetly probably has quite a different meaning in the UK to in the US.

So we move on to the United States, source of very many controversies, Bill Maher's comments wind me up, though to some extent lactivists have brought this on us by hammering that it's ok because it's natural, because like he says, so are plenty of things that we really don't want to see! It's more about a baby's need to eat frequently, there are plenty of places where you don't expect an adult to eat, but you might feed a toddler a non messy snack, babies need to eat and the bathroom isn't the place to do that, I don't particularly like breastfeeding in a restaurant, booths and spaces between tables can make it quite awkward, but practicality means it happens.

I don't know who Barbara Walters is, nor have ever seen "The View", so I'm not aware of the context of her remark about being uncomfortable sitting next to a breastfeeding mother on a flight. Flights are one of those situations where you really do lack choices, even a mother who never breastfeeds in public will likely have to do so on all but the shortest flight, so what to you expect the woman to do? Particularly if you consider that breastfeeding in an airline seat is probably unfamiliar for both mother and baby and she's probably trying to avoid flailing limbs from giving someone a whack as well as dealing with a baby who might not find it as easy to latch on as usual.

I had the sweetest most sympthetic people around me when attempting to deal with a non breastfeeding 20mth old who was not at all impressed that she had to sit on my knee and not try and climb over to dad and was avoiding all attempts to distract or calm her down, which she eventually did once the seatbelt signs were switched off, but at that moment, I really wished that she was still nursing.

I wasn't a breastfeeding mother when the facebook controversy began, though having seen some of the pictures, their excuse of exposed breast violating their decency policy was bizarre some of the time, though not always and they certainly haven't demonstrated that they enforce that policy at other times, so it really does look like they were considered obscene because of what they were doing, not what was on display and that facebook reacted without much thought to whatever complaints were received.

fade out, fade in

2010-01-15T15:32:00.000-08:00

I'm been noticing that some things that are consequences of being depressed, rather than actual symptoms fade out a lot more easily than they fade back in.

Take meals, dinner in particular, I'm not going to claim that I had some amazing system and produced beautiful, nutritional dinners on a daily basis, but things chugged along ok. I had my system and was improving it, getting used to products and sizes available in the US etc. then along comes depression and gaps start to appear, take outs and convenience food increases, fresh ingredients decrease and eventually reduces to zero and I don't really even notice.

Thanks to scheduled delivery with Amazon Fresh, groceries appear, but given they haven't yet got it all wired into our fridges and freezers, sandwich fillings multiple, but we have no bread to put them on, or vice versa.

We survive, people bring meals around (thank you!), but often I don't remember who brought what, or what they brought it in, resulting in random containers multiplying and I've no idea who to return them to (shout if you think we have something of yours!).

We continue to survive, I try to buy things for the cupboards and freezer, so we always have something on hand, but I forget where I put them, or even that I ever bought them and I forget to check the labels (who knew that tomato paste wasn't necessarily wheat free).

So whilst I feel like in terms of depression I'm better today than I was in March, dinner landing on the table is worse than various points even after then, when there was still some underlying organisation.

It would seem like as my symptoms get better then so also should dinner, but it seems that there is definitely a significant time lag and that I'm going to really have to take some steps to try and pull things together.

My freezer keeps throwing chicken thighs at me, obviously I went through a phase of buying them in bulk if they were on sale as they are in packages from different stores.

Having plenty of things on hand actually makes menu planning harder, I used to plan 5 or 6 meals each week and I'd have a pretty good idea without looking what I needed to buy and what I should have on hand, so it was a pretty quick process and I could cope with any inaccuracies. Now, planning a week of meals seems like a huge task, I would have to check almost every single item, which even then might not be very reliable, given how many different places I've discovered pineapple in recently. So I don't plan, which may save me a big task on one day, but instead presents a daily challenge.

I feel like to get things going again I need to take an inventory of my cupboards and freezer, but when am I going to do that? I do have a plan for tonight though, coconut pork with peaches.

I use dinner as my example, but it seems like the same applies across all areas of life.

Depression and Spirituality

2010-01-10T21:39:00.001-08:00

I've read a couple of books, talked with various people, but perhaps I was just so depressed at the time I couldn't even extract a summary.

Bullying in the Church of England hit the news this week, which led me to a support site and a page on there really struck a chord with me.

For me there hasn't been bullying in my recent past (oddly enough I received a letter of apology for bullying that happened 20+ years ago, I never responded, I didn't know what to say, I didn't perceive that I had been bullied, so what do you say?), but the possibility of post traumatic stress disorder has come up, so as I read through, the ideas of illness and injury both applied.

I have particularly noticed difficulty in praying, it's always something I felt bad at and undisciplined at, but knowing that it was usually something I put effort into scheduling with other people. In September 2008, I began meeting with a small group to pray for the church that would become The Downtown Church, I went because God very clearly commanded me to be there, not because I wanted to be there! As time went on I found it harder and harder and many times someone would find me in floods of tears in the foyer. As I look back and see the early signs of depression, difficulty in prayer and bible study started to occur around the same time, but not before.

I realise how far I've come as a believer since my last battle with depression, during that, even getting me to church was fairly hit and miss and if I made it, listening to the sermon was not high on my list of priorities. But I have grown, I've missed a few Sundays in 2009, but only a couple were not physical illness and it's not just habit, it's because it's grown in importance as something I should do as a believer, such that however bad I felt I usually made it.

I find it hard to worship, often I don't join in with the singing, listening to it encourages me, but to truely worship is hard.

I'm still finding it very hard to pray, I want to pray before I read the bible and I do, but it's hard. It would be surprising if it were otherwise because depression effects how your mind works. I love to cook, but it's not just lack of motivation and low energy that makes it hard, actually functioning in the kitchen can be a struggle, there are things I do now to make it easier that I wouldn't have needed to do before, and hopefully won't need in future, such as having to get every ingredient out and lined up rather like they do on the TV. Following a recipe became very hard work, but having the imagination to go without was missing too (I'm the kind of cook that does both), but slowly it's improving, I was rather pleased with a chicken and cashew nut stir fry I produced earlier in the week.

However, I don't believe that depression cannot have a spiritual element, I can't go into the theology of demonic activity here, but if they are there, then medical treatment may not help until they are dealt with. However if I'm having a bad day, to quickly label it as satan discouraging me ignores the physiology, if I had a bad night of sleep and then random bad stuff happen in the day, it's hardly likely to be a good day!

Guilt, I'm not sure I even want to go there, feelings of guilt are a normal symptom of depression and I do feel I got into a cycle of depression, guilt, trying, failing, more depression.

I'm getting better, but I'm still depressed, we've found a treatment that seems to work, slowly I'm pulling bits of life back together. I'm abiding in the word each day, praying is much harder. Our church has a women's prayer meeting at 6.45am on Tuesdays, I'm being cautious and saying that for now, until I can get the get up at 7 habit down, it will have to wait, but it's on my radar, February maybe.

word barriers

2010-01-09T17:21:00.000-08:00

In order to communicate we need words, sometimes words describe a concept, otherwise we'd always have to talk with long descriptions of the concept and communication would be rather long winded, same with definitions.

The problem is, or at least it is for me, that I have a hard time remembering the name that applies to a concept or definition. When introduced to group theory, I understood the words applied to the 4 defining rules, so I knew that associative meant you could put brackets anywhere and it didn't make a difference, so when the word was used, I knew what we were referring to, even if it took me time to apply it.

I also understood the meaning of commutative, you can do things in any order, but the stumbling block was my inability to remember that an abelian group was a commutative group. Abelian is apparently in honour of someone called Neils Abel, but the capital letter is not used. Calling abelian groups commutative groups would have definitely helped me overcome that stumbling block, but not when the new words weren't (to my knowledge) derived from a name.

Monotonic was a word it took me rather too long to get my head around and a question beginning "If f is a monotonically increasing function..." left me stumped, I could look up the definition, but couldn't remember it and thus when something was explained as "because f is a monotonically increasing function", what they did with the symbols was meaningless.

These days, I think I have my head around that definition and many others, and it's often down to google or wikipedia, which didn't exist when I was a student. I had books and they usually had indexes, which I did use, but it's clear in retrospect that I do struggle to connect words and meanings and I with a new word I need many and varied examples to hammer it home. Unfortunately the speed of university teaching, at least at the university I attended doesn't allow for that and it did seem to be the biggest barrier for me in some areas.

I still have trouble now, but it tends to come up more with words in bible studies and sermons, or general theological discussions. I've come across Calvinism and
Arminism, I've looked them up, I've discussed the concepts of both of them and if you have a conversation with me about those concepts I'll be able to respond, use the words and I'll try hard to disguise that I've lost the plot, but in my mind probably all I'll be able to recall is that Methodists are one and Anglicans the other! Go any further with theological words and you'll lose me completely, but the irritating thing from my perspective is I've looked them up, I've read about them, I may have an opinion, or have decided it's something that doesn't effect my core beliefs or how I lead my life, so I'll leave it to the experts.

Maybe this is how everyone is, we just don't talk about it and most of us are clueless when they come up, or maybe not! With theology the words blow my mind so much, that I struggle to get past the hurdle of is the word a definition, one that has a widely accepted meaning, but as all Christians are not in agreement may hold the agreed upon meaning with different levels of importance or simply not believe at all, or is the word or phrase in common use, but has different meanings to different people! It's complicated!

It's almost as if words that never entered my head in childhood can no longer be assigned a meaning in my internal dictionary. I'm sure I heard words that I didn't understand and the meaning of them has changed in my mind, but if the word isn't there then it takes hearing it many times for a space to open up and a definition to be assigned.

I am seriously rambling now! I've been thinking of this for two reasons, one has been recalling mathematical jokes, the other that we are beginning a sermon series on doctrine at church next week and I'm wondering if I'll end up completely lost, or only a little bit!

looking forward...

2010-01-04T16:25:00.001-08:00

The new year and reading others reviews of the last year, or even the last decade and also making new year's resolutions make me oscillate between wanting to do something similar and wanting to find some sand to bury my head in!

I haven't made any new year's resolutions, I rarely do, though there are a few things that I've decided to do over the last few weeks.

One decision I made was to read the bible chronologically, I've only done this in a very rough interpretation, the bible as a novel, I don't recall the author and I think that there are more than just the one such text around, but this time I want to do it from the version we use at church. I found a nifty website that will produce you a schedule, including links to the text available at biblegateway.com, I didn't look for this until the 1st January, having decided to wait to start until then, but you can choose to start on the 1st or 15th of any month (the programmer in me wonders why if you're going to give choice why can it not be any choice). I've set the page as my homepage, I plan to read from my bible rather than online, but have already found the online link useful to cross reference something.

Another plan was to exercise more, which resulted in us buying a low end stationary recumbent bike, then me feeling guilty I wasn't using it much because I was still feeling grotty after swine flu, but I have now managed to do reasonable chunks of time though at fairly low resistance and moderate rpms. I don't know if what I've been doing will continue to work with our schedule, but at the moment I'm working out in my pajamas, before I shower, which saves excessive changing of clothes and extra showers!

So whilst these aren't new year's resolutions in the traditional sense, they are resolutions in some way, but hopefully ones that as the came out of desire and thought that aren't ones so easily thrown aside!

Arphaxad

2010-01-03T21:14:00.000-08:00

Unborn babies often get "womb names", I think I was Jemima (or maybe I dreamt that!), when I became pregnant with Sausage Boy, a few people we knew were calling their unborn babies names from the bible that were unlikely to be used for real.

As DH and I share an initial and my parents share an initial, we were not going to go the route of having the whole family share an initial, so it seemed to me like giving the bump a name beginning with A made sense, so I started at the beginning of the bible and read until I found an A name that I liked, I didn't have to get far before we settled on Arphaxad, it's in Genesis 10!

I was reminded of all this because I read that chapter today, but in the ESV I bought because our church here uses that version (I used to use the NIV), but it is spelled Arpachshad, rightly or wrongly, that grates on me, I can be pretty confident if that is the first spelling I'd seen I'd have skipped over it to the next A name!

My knowledge of the Hebrew alphabet and pronunciation is pretty hazy, I may have been making the sound of "Arphaxad" in my head wrong all the time and I'm almost certainly mispronouncing the intended pronunciation of "Arpachshad", but it's not a transliteration system I'm familiar with and at this moment in time, not one I like! Though that is just due to the emotional attachment, not any linguistic knowledge.

I remember exchanging emails with my Gran and she sent me as graphic of Arphaxad in Egyptian hieroglyphs, which, for want of a better word, I found exceedingly cool!

Whilst I'm on this topic, Banana Girl was Zadok, which relates to Sausage Boy's real life name, though we ended up having her share our initial and our attempts to avoid that were a frequent topic of conversation on bus rides and a point of unspoken dispute resulting from me asking to call her that at a time and place DH felt unable to refuse. Grace's in utero name was much more gradually reached upon and not much used, but officially, she was Runner Bean!

breastfeeding, whenever and wherever

2010-01-03T16:19:00.001-08:00

I stumbled across this article today

http://www.mothering.com/bashful-brazen-indiscreet-breastfeeders-manifesto

Whilst I don't agree with her 100%, it does pretty much sum up how I feel, including being close to tears when asked to cover up, though the one time that happened to me, there wasn't even anything on display! The other bad experience that I had implied that the act of breastfeeding was disgusting and that me covering up wouldn't have made a difference, no tears there, just anger.

I quite like to wear dresses, so the idea of not wearing dresses, particularly in summer, has been a slight frustration for me. Maybe button up dresses were "in" back when this article was written, in 2001, I had a button up maternity dress bought on clearance in 2002, so that would make sense.

However, whilst a button up dress never occured to me as appropriate attire for breastfeeding, I did quickly find that a shirt of blouse was much easier to lift than to unbutton whilst juggling a baby, regardless of your desire for discreetness!

I have a picture of me and Sausage Boy 3 days after his birth, where I am wearing a shirt unbuttoned from the top, he's not even latched on, I'm not sure whether he was pre or post feed, but I'm holding him with one hand and a glass of champagne in the other!

I don't know whether it was my dad or mum who took the picture, but I was definitely in male company beyond my husband! (Events since then have revealed that I have a smaller comfort zone than my dad when it comes to my breasts)! I don't care that that moment got caught on camera, but nor would I breastfeed like that other than in my own home amongst fairly restricted company. These days I wouldn't even do that in my own living room, if my neigbours can wave to me in there, it's not exactly a private place!

I have pulled down a swimsuit when I've felt there is no other option, but any negative feelings are still more about my comfort than anyone elses, there are plenty of bikinis out there that reveal more and you won't find me wearing one of them!

So my breastfeeding manifesto wouldn't be quite as brazen as the author's - I'll breastfeed in whatever I'm wearing, because if I'm with my baby I'll be wearing something convenient to feed in and given I usually have trouble doing up a nursing bra one handed it isn't going to involve undoing buttons.

The second statement is something I aspire to, but inside myself, I'm not there right now.

It's her final statement that really sums up why I feel this way, because though I prefer to breastfeed discreetly, reality doesn't always allow this, early on it can be due to the duo learning what to do and many other reasons.

Until recently, I hadn't given much consideration to the "desexualise the breast" aspect though I think it subconciously influenced my thoughts, I've thought about this quite a lot recently and would now consider it part of my reasoning behind how I choose to breastfeed.

You may notice I use the word breastfeed, not nurse - primarily it's a language issue, we use the word breastfeeding in the UK. Living in the US for 3 years has made me slip into many american linguistic twists, including at times referring to breastfeeding as nursing, I'll probably still slip into that at times, but I'm now making a concious choice to call it breastfeeding, because that is what it is, you can nurse a baby using a bottle because nursing describes the emotional relationship, even if a modern american dictionary would give one of the definitions as breastfeeding.

A wierd dream

2010-01-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

I had an odd dream this morning.

Someone died - which though not for me a common occurance in dreams isn't particularly remarkable.

The quirk arose as I didn't know the person had died and was seeing her in all the places I'd expect to see her and thus other things that were happening didn't make sense.

So the next time I saw this person, I tried to talk to them and the response was finger to lips "shh....", with a look that said, I'm with my family, don't let them in on our secret.

I suppose it's kind of logical that if you are seeing visions of a dead person, it might not be a good idea to announce that to the bereaved family, but then logic doesn't usually apply to dreams.

So I woke with a mixture of feeling, including that I was going crazy and that I should have noticed as everytime I'd seen her in the dream she was wearing the same clothes and had her hair exactly the same way - but of course it was a dream, so I was only dreaming that I was having visions and not recognising that I was having them. I was still left with a nagging feeling that I needed to check this person was still alive. Thankfully as I became fully awake, I could rationally put the dream into perspective as just a dream, but there is still a bit of me that will be anxious to see this person the next time I'm present where she usually would be and hoping that she isn't wearing the same clothes as in the dream.

a pattern?

2009-12-27T22:02:00.000-08:00

I think I'm noticing a rough pattern with me that as I feel a bit better, I think more about things, don't come to good conclusions and end up feeling worse, I think it's a pattern that still places me in depressions, because the ups are still well below normal mood. But I think it's going to be mental strategies that move me forwards at these stages.

The presents are wrapped...

2009-12-24T21:56:00.000-08:00

...or rather placed in paper bags, I intended to wrap them and we have plenty of wrapped gifts from other people, so we won't lack for unwrapping fun. If it all works out ok tomorrow, then I'm highly tempted to do this again, but maybe make a big deal of decorating the bags. Part of the issue was stocking overflow, if we were going to include Grace in having a stocking we needed to acquire another one and in discussing this decided that it would be fun to all have stockings. We had a very lucky stumble across and found gorgeous knitted stockings at a dollar each, but smaller than the ones we've used the last 3 years, but with those in mind I had a few small presents for the kids that didn't fit in this years stockings.

We've also mucked up somewhat by having had a brilliant idea for something to get Sausage Boy, which was also a moderately pricey brilliant idea, but have failed to have a brilliant idea, or even an idea for what to give Banana Girl. I think she'd love something from the Littlest Pet Shop range, or maybe My Little Pony, but I stared at them in the store and couldn't make a decision, I think we'll have to take her to choose something for herself next week!

holidays

2009-12-24T12:52:00.000-08:00

I'm coming to the conclusion that I don't like holidays (by holidays I mean Thanksgiving, Christmas etc.) particularly the way they are approached here, where we seem to bounce from one special day or holiday to the next and every single one is over commericalised, I don't like the continual cycle of build up, anticipation then it all being over.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to celebrate the birth of Christ, though in many ways it's something I do or try to do daily. I'm a bit disappointed we don't get to go to church on Christmas Day, if it's all about Him, then why do we relegate services to the evening before?

shocking?

2009-12-23T22:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes our minds have thoughts that we don't really want to be having, though before anyone worries I'm not contemplating suicide or self harm.

I read somewhere, probably wikipedia, though it doesn't seem to be there now that there is a presumption that a mentally well person could not possible wish to kill themselves and thus death by suicide indicates mental illness whether it was diagnosed or not.

I may be remembering wrong, but my recollection is that though this is not the view of the experts that it is a commonly held view.

I can't with any certainty recall where I've stood on this in the past, but my thinking now would be that even when there is a mental health problem that it may not always be correct to point to that as the cause of the suicide.

As you all should know I'm a Christian and thus I believe suicide and self harm to be wrong though sadly none of us live lives free from sin. But without a Christian world view on what basis are they wrong? I can see that repeated incidents of self harm cannot be good for your long term mental health, but I'm beginning to see that in the complex world we live in there could be many complex situations where suicide would seem like a reasonable option and thus in the opposite direction threat of suicide doesn't necessarily imply a mental health problem.

That was some pretty bizarre rambling!

cosleeping

2009-12-20T14:34:00.001-08:00

I've never been averse to having a child in bed with me if that was what they needed to do to get to sleep, though it isn't my first choice.

Grace has in many ways been our easiest sleeper, I think I got lulled into a false sense of security! About 6 weeks ago she stopped sleeping through the night and it wasn't just a case of waking a bit earlier, it was waking 3+ times with no longer stretch between any of them.

Her first waking became before I even got to sleep, even if I went to bed right when she did.

Then she started rejecting her cot, she'd been a dream, we could put her down awake and she'd go to sleep, now we can rarely get her in there asleep, however gently we try and move her!

So I started lieing down with her when she'd feed anywhere between 10pm and midnight and I'd end up falling asleep too. I worried because of the meds in my system, but despite no concrete evidence I decided that even with them I'm not a heavy sleeper and she's no longer a newborn that can't wriggle, move, roll etc. so on balance the daytime risks to all the children of me getting minimal sleep are probably greater than the risk to her of me sleeping next to her.

It's been about 3 weeks now and I'm beginning to feel that we're both figuring out what to do and sleeping better, though last night wasn't so good.

Unfortunately she's having the same issues with daytime sleep, so it feels like it's a constant challenge to ensure she gets enough sleep.

Yum!

2009-12-12T19:35:00.001-08:00

We've been wanting to try a new chinese restaurant near our house, but whenever we pass it, it's busy to overflowing, but today worked out such that we were there for an early dinner and we could be seated without waiting.

The kids have some favourites, which they were disappointed not to find on the menu, which resulted in a bit of a strop from one of them, but we made our choice, not really knowing what we would get.

One dish was something we've not come across before, they brought a bowl of what looked like rice krispie treats, and poured soup over it. We'd chosen chicken and mixed seafood and it was gorgeous!

Grace is at a challenging stage for dinners out, not ready for the high chair, but rather wriggly and grabby for sitting on knees! We managed, just! Eating with chopsticks is definitely the way forward for one handed eating - thinking back, I remember the summer after banana girl was born, I'd make myself a salad for lunch and eat that with chopsticks.

head to toe

2009-12-12T13:18:00.001-08:00

Woo hoo, this time I thought of a title first! It's a bit random, but I thought I'd try and sum myself up from head to toe!

My hair seems to be growing at a rate of knots and I haven't really noticed the increase in hair loss that comes after birth. I seem to be losing hair at a rate that is entirely appropriate for it's length and thus capacity to tangle and get yanked out by a hair brush. My gold highlights seem so recent, but are way away from my roots, I'm in the mood for something more dramatic and one of these days I really should try a spiral perm, though I don't know how easy or difficult the Sarah Jessica Parker look of soft ringlets low down is to acheive.

My eyes don't like this weather, cold and dry is not good, nor is the bright sun and I'm not the best at remembering that eye drops exist and help, I just rub them and my eyelashes fall out and if I'm wearing eye make up, I make a mess! It's probably time to change my contact lenses, I take them for granted now, but extended wear contact lens have been life changing for me. Roll on the day that they invent ones that react to light and become sunglasses too, as steamed up sunglasses have been bugging me this week!

My face is in major breakout and has been for a while, I've never had the greatest skin, but I think this counts as bad for me, frustratingly it breaks out and feels dry at the same time!

My chest is still congested and it's hurting when I exert myself, I feel like I need a good slap on the back to get all the gunk out! I'll definitely be mentioning this to my doctor when I see her on Tuesday.

I suddenly seem to have started producing even more milk than usual, poor Grace is being overwhelmed by it and I'm exploding out of bras and tops that fitted a month ago and I'm getting a bit self concious about it. I put it down to the new med I started on, but looked it up and saw reports of decreased milk production, which might be a fantastic example of how different meds can have different effects on different people.

My nails seem to be getting a bit stronger than they were, not sure if that's pregnancy, or not having worn false nails for a while. I try to keep them long, but I'm still figuring out what shape I prefer and how to maintain that shape. My cuticles are hard and difficult to control, I should put something on them every day, but needless to say, I don't!

My waist is still non existant, but thinner than it was, thank goodness for draw string trousers, though I'm pushing the limits on my existing ones and really need to spend some time trying trousers on, but that will have to wait.

My c-section scar is bright red and quite thick and all the feeling below it seems to have returned, it's beautifully situated such that if other bits of my mama body allowed it then it would be completely hidden. I think about taking pictures of it because I'm proud of it, it's a badge that reminds me that even in a roundabout and non ideal way that I did make a good decision for me and my family and that even though it took a lot of drugs that I was there for the birth of my beautiful baby. It also seems to have consumed a keyhole scar, reducing the total from 8 to 7!

My hips are surviving, with the help of pain killers, but I'm struggling with stiffness in the low back. I mostly lift the bad way because I discovered that lifting the good way is actually much more difficult for me, I had an old lady moment last week when I tried to get up off the floor and couldn't, thankfully I was by a chair and could yank myself up! When I think about it, the state of my hip worries me, it doesn't seem to have a state where it is only slightly painful, it's either pain free or moderate, or worse and though it's being controlled well with painkillers right now, they are strong ones, which does build tolerance, requireing a higher dose even without increased pain and I suspect it is going to get worse, but I've no idea in what time scale. Which is why I don't think about it, other than in the very general sense of trying to get my weight back down to reduce the strain and reminding myself that I probably do need to think a bit more about nutrition for bone and joint health.

My thighs should probably be hidden from public view for a long time, enough said there, I think!

The niggly knee seems to have gone away, fingers crossed! The keyhole scars on the other near have been white and paper thin for years, to me they look like eyes with the bottom of the knee cap making a smile!

It took extreme force to zip up my knee high boots a few weeks ago, so some calf toning is on the agenda, I also have matching bruises, which surely can't be from that long ago, but what other explaination is there for matching bruises!

I have ankles rather than the cankles which were on display at the end of pregnancy, but at this time of year they get to hide under socks, I'm fussy about socks, I have high demands on what constitutes a comfortable sock, though these do tend to match with cheap socks!

My right big toe and I are still not best of friends, though the joint is in a good mood right now and the nail is neatly trimmed. My feet appreciate a bit of looking after, wearing crocs (or rather a cheapy version) in the house really works for me, even though they are not good for lots of walking. Frankly I'm amazed my feet held up so well last summer with cheap flip flops, which I got in the habit of wearing with those cankles I mentioned. I love slips ons and I got lucky last year and found a pair I could fit my orthotics into with just a tiny blue bit showing, but this week I reluctantly exchanged them for the fur lined shoes I found in the same sale, not quite as convenient for getting out the door, but rather more appropriate for the frosty weather.

Well, that's it, quite a fun exercise for me!

motivation

2009-12-09T22:24:00.001-08:00

Do you ever want to ask a question, invite someone to an event, but then stop yourself because you wonder what people will think that they'll be trying to work out why and possibly therefore what you want.

I have a problem with this, it's a bit irrational though as I don't do any deep thinking when questioned, offerred kindness etc. but when I think of doing something, I usually panic about what it might be interpreted as and probably 9 times out of 10 my thought is lost. But when it isn't, when I carry the thought through, there are still the doubts in my head, the fears about communicating a demand or incorrect message.

My experience in the real world suggests I'm not the only overthinker, but not everyone is an overthinker, I need to calm my overthinking tendancies to the level where they don't avoid action and hope that if they hit another overthinker that it would be easily resolved.

Fighting

2009-12-08T12:57:00.001-08:00

A while ago, I read a post on a blog of a mother with cancer how she disliked some ways of using the word fighting. The crux of the matter was that you didn't beat cancer based on how hard you faught, some will die, some will survive and to consider those that died to have somehow not faught as hard is wrong. Now there may be some fuzziness around the edges with that, I've definitely seen new articles announcing research about the good effects of positive thinking, but it's still a pretty fair statement.

Now, here I am, feeling like really in the 8 months that I've been treated for depression that I'm really still very unwell, but with mental health issues I rather suspect that fighting does make a difference, though ironically the illness may take away your ability to fight. So does the fact that I'm here now mean I've not been fighting? I think not, an obvious consequence of depression is suicide, I'm still here, I think this means I'm fighting.

When people are fighting physical diseases we seek to encourage them, do we believe that our encouragement will cure them? It's usually something we just do, it just is what one does when someone is ill, subconciously I think we're actually trying to prevent depression, which as it turns out is an entirely reasonable thing to, not just because we want to avoid that suffering, but people with depression do have a reduced life expectancy that isn't entirely accounted for by suicide.

diagnoses

2009-12-07T22:23:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been asked what my diagnosis is as if my answer might change what they would do. In those instances I don't think it would have made much difference, but I have no diagnosis to give them other than plain old vanilla PPD.

Labels can be good and labels can be bad. Getting a formal diagnosis of Ehlers Danlos syndrome was helpful in many ways, but also allowed me and my doctors to say that my hip pain was simply due to EDS, when in fact there was a bony abnormality, hip impingement and an actual injury, a labral tear.

But when we get to using diagnoses that are very vague and arbitrary, how helpful are they? Particularly when they change every few years. What's worse is that once you place a diagnosis upon someone, particularly within mental health, what that then makes others assume about them.

When I entered the program at Fairfax, I think they were using depression as a diagnosis, but within minutes of meeting me and barely having talked to me, I could observe a few occassions where something I said or did was interpreted very differently because it was seen through those glasses. My new psychiatrist chose to get to know me without any notes from anyone, though she has finally decided to ask for my previous psychiatrist's notes, which could be interesting!

I hate titles

2009-12-07T17:27:00.000-08:00

Why is it so difficult to choose a title? I've lost count of the number of times I've got to this page, been stumped by choosing a title and not made the blog entry I was musing over that brought me to this page.

Blogging has been hard for me lately, but then frankly, so has expressing myself in any way, shape or form.

I'm still really struggling with chest congestion, I get out of breath at quite trivial things. The problem was unintentionally aggrevated last night by DH lighting a fire, something I've now banned until my chest is clear. We have clear, cold weather at the moment, I don't know if that makes pollution hang low, or just lots of people had fires last night, but the school run increased the level of discomfort signficantly, it makes me wonder how anyone with a lung problem manages.

I'm going to hit post now, I've deleted several things, but nothing seems to come out quite right.

Busy week

2009-12-05T21:10:00.001-08:00

I haven't posted for a week, not because I've nothing to say, but because it seems to take too long to say it.

It's been a moderately busy week and I actually feel like I've accomplished a few things around the edges! Shopping has been quite a big feature, I usually get groceries from Amazon Fresh, but there are a few things I like to have around from Trader Jos and some things we buy in bulk at Costco, both trips were managed, though the Costco one did end with me dropping Banana Girl off with Andrew at work saying please feed her and don't bring her home until you've picked up Sausage Boy from school, which isn't ideal.

We managed to make a Christmas cake after having spent a small fortune on dried fruit and a long time wandering around the supermarket trying to figure out where the glace cherries and mixed peel might be, or if they even sold it and assuming it probably wasn't called that so I couldn't even ask, turns out they do sell them, glace cherries are just labelled red cherries and mixed peel was labelled fruit cake mix and they were in the fresh fruit section.

I'm still not shaking off the remnants of flu, I tried not taking my cough medicine to see if I could shift some mucous (sorry if that's TMI), but it didn't seem to and just resulted in more coughing, I'd rather not cough, so it's back to taking the medicine! They gave me a 12 day prescription, so it lasts until the middle of next week, I don't hold out much hope for being better by then, given it's been about two weeks with no improvement.

I'm not sure if I mentioned that about 10 days ago I started an extra medication for depression. I'll very cautiously say that I think in the past couple of days I've noticed some improvement, with yesterday possibly having been the best day in several weeks. I've also been trying to take some non medication steps, I'm well aware of the need to exercise, but it's not easy to fit in and going for a walk isn't realistic in this weather, so we bought an exercise bike! I'm not fond of exercise bikes, I much prefer treadmills, but they take up more space and my hip is much more liable to complain, so recumbant bike it is and I'm determined to use it, however with the above discussion of my remaining flu symptoms my attempts to work out turned into chest pain and shortness of breath. I'm taking a couple of days off, but when I go back to it I need to look at the instructions to lower the resistance and keep the rpm low so I'm at least preparing my legs for some more intense cardio work!

We're also looking into getting a therapy light I've been convinced for years that I suffer from some degree of seasonal affective disorder. So with light, exercise and the right combination of meds I might actually be vaguely human in a few weeks!

A very speedy visit to the ER

2009-11-28T11:16:00.000-08:00

When I started coughing up tiny bits of blood yesterday I realised I needed someone to listen to my chest again and check that I hadn't managed to get pneumonia. Our doctors' office was closed for Thanksgiving and the nurse line for our insurance said I should go to the ER and thankfully it's covered 100%, so we didn't have to worry about that.

I was in and out in about 35mins, must have hit them at a slow time! I saw a physician's assistant rather than a doctor and she decided that I had subacute bronchitis and the blood likely came from my throat being irritated by the repeated coughing. So she prescribed me some stronger cough medicine.

We took the prescription along to the pharmacy and the assistant told us it wasn't a prescription but an over the counter medicine, but didn't give us any help with finding it, I had a good look and came to the conclusion she was wrong, but instead of going back to the pharmacy counter I went home in a grump.

I called the hospital and they told me to take it back to the pharmacy and have them call the hospital if they couldn't work it out. The next person I gave it to took one look at it and told me it was a very strong cough medicine that was definitely prescription only, so they filled it and I went home!

It actually seems to work, I was a bit skeptical as I'd already been taking a prescription one without much luck, so hopefully this will now be the start of getting better!

Long weekend

2009-11-27T12:04:00.000-08:00

With Thanksgiving yesterday, we have a four day weekend, which should hopefully be a chance to recharge our batteries a bit!

I'm still struggling with things left over from swine flu, my chest is still really mucousy, though it's still clear, suggesting no secondary infection. The right side is particularly bad, the whole ribcage is sore from repeatedly coughing, but it feels like there is deeper pain and at times breathing becomes very painful, but I'm not actually short of breath.

We had a lovely Thanksgiving meal with friends and their family yesterday, the kids had a great time and didn't want to come home!

We're avoiding the shops today, everything is crazy busy with the biggest sales of the year. We need a new dishwasher, but I'd rather go and choose the one we want when we actually have space to browse and make a good choice!

Well baby visit

2009-11-25T13:48:00.000-08:00

Grace weighed 13lb8oz, which is a little lighter than I expected, but satisfactory, with the charts our doctor uses it's 8th centile. Her height was 25 1/4 inches, which is 50th centile, which surprises me as neither of our other kids have ever been anywhere near that tall, she does seem to have a longish body, but not long overall. Head was 16 1/4 inches, 25th centile. Everything checked and asked indicates that she really is a "well" baby!

We talked about solids and the doctor reminded me that breastfeeding is still the primary food and agreed that Grace didn't seem ready yet as she still has the tongue thrust reflex. She is suggesting we start with iron fortified cereal though, which I wasn't planning to do but because we weren't starting solids anyway, I hadn't reviewed the facts as to why I don't think this is necessary, I just quickly checked here and confirmed I hadn't got my facts mixed up. I know my iron is good, I had it checked 2 weeks ago and the doctor was surprised how good it was for 6 months post partum, so I know my milk is going to contain plenty of it!

6 months

2009-11-24T16:34:00.000-08:00

Grace is 6 months old today, I can't quite believe it! I took some pictures of her earlier, but I haven't downloaded them yet.

She's become quite a social little girl, loves to interact with people, she even held her hand out to shake hands with someone at church on Sunday. She is very wriggly, to the extent I'm a little surprised she's not managed very much movement. I've had to move her crib so it's not touching our bed as her wriggles were wobbling it and stopping me from getting to sleep. Almost every time she goes down, she wriggles until the top of her head is touching the end of the crib, then goes to sleep, it's almost as if she needs something touching the top of her head to sleep!

She rolls both ways, but mostly one way then back to the start, not the full 360! She can sit up on your lap, but seems quite a long way from sitting by herself.

I expect a baby this age to be "mouthy", but she seems even more keen on this than the other two and she seems to prefer soft things to hard things, so not really a teething behaviour. She'll use her own clothes for this purpose if she can't grab anything else.

She had a really cute moment yesterday where it seemed like she suddenly discovered her left foot, hiding in side her sleepsuit, she had a good look at it, then tried to shove it in her mouth. I tried to introduce her to her right foot, but she wasn't having any of it.

She's breastfeeding great, we've finally got to a point where I don't have to work to make enough milk for her and I'm verging on having an overactive letdown and she coughs and splutters because it's flowing too fast, which is such a nice feeling as it's taken so long to get here!

We're not planning to start her on solids yet, she doesn't seem anywhere near ready, if I'm right about when she was conceived, she was almost a month early, so it's not all that surprising. However at this point if she does grab something on our plates that's ok for her, we won't stop her. We'll be careful with dairy as I still have a nagging suspicion she's sensitive to it and because I don't eat wheat, she's not been exposed to that indirectly, so we'll be cautious about that too. This is the longest I've exclusively breastfed, Sausage Boy needed some supplementation and Banana Girl reached out and stuffed a fairy cake in her mouth one day before 6 months, so it's only one day longer!

I looked at the other kids' red books and saw what weights they were at this stage, Sausage Boy was 13lb, having barely gained anything in the 6th month, but it was more than double his birth weight! Banana Girl wasn't weighed as it was obvious she was doing just fine, but she must have been 16-17lb, barely double her birthweight. Grace was under Sausage Boy for a while, but 2.5 weeks ago she was over 13lb, so I'm guessing at her visit tomorrow she'll be around 14lb, which won't be double her birthweight. They don't measure length in the UK, so heightwise I can't really compare, but then all our babies have clearly been on the shorter end of the scale and she's no different!

She's just woken up, so I guess that's the end of "Grace at 6 months".

Christmas

2009-11-19T22:28:00.000-08:00

I'm finally starting to get my head round the need to actually think about and do some planning for Christmas. I'm finally accepting that the burden of planning and organising seems to fall on mums and what I make of it is going to create the memories the kids have for the rest of their lives.

For some reason when they woke up this morning they were all excited about presents, which seemed to come a bit out of the blue and bothered me a bit, but then getting presents is exciting, so then it bothered me that they probably won't have that many to unwrap. I actually rather like small presents and nik naks, I think on average they probably give more pleasure and if it misses the mark then it's not a great cost and maybe it will eventually find a good home. There are a few things around the house that were presents like that for me as a child which my children are now finding pleasure from.

Banana Girl and I went through photos from this year and picked out twelve, roughly one for each month. The intention is some kind of photo gift for family, but I can't decide whether or not to try and pull something together myself, or hunt around for somewhere I can upload them and get a calendar or something.

Maybe this year will be the year I actually manage to print out address labels, but realistically am I really going to overcome my hatred of printers, probably not!

Reflections

2009-11-18T17:17:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot recently about home, nationality, cultural identity, that kind of thing. Eventhough I don't feel this causes a lot of surface emotion for me, I think underneath it's something that is causing me to feel quite unsettled and causing me some anxiety.

We've been here 3 years now and have no imminent plans to return to the UK, we don't even really have any vague plans. Last time it came up, I think we both still felt that in the very long term we'll be in the UK, but that's only very vague and I can easily see that it might not happen.

Either way living here has changed me in so many ways that I don't think England will ever feel truely home.

In all this I have to remember that all this is in God's hands, when we first moved here I felt very secure in the knowledge that it was His plan and that He knew the plan for our future even though we didn't. I can see now that as we settled in and things weren't quite so new that my thoughts didn't turn to this very often and then it's hit me today that I'm not trusting Him about the bigger picture, though I'm not taking it into my own hands and planning my own future either, I'm just not thinking about it at all.

This then makes me reflect deeper about how we are supposed to live and I'm not sure that's even a place I have the resources or strength to think deeply on right now. All I know is that right now this is making me feel quite unsettled and frankly I don't know how anyone copes with that on a purely human level.

The therapy without a name

2009-11-16T12:45:00.000-08:00

I'm seeing this psychiatrist who uses a type of therapy that is so new it doesn't have a name. It's based on neuroplasticity in layman's terms it's about rewiring the brain, hunting down bad connections that feed low mood and creating new one. In practice it seems to be a lot about being aware of your body and she often asks "what are you noticing?".

I'm not really sure what to make of it. I'm a bit uncomfortable with the focus on the individual, one analogy she uses is a lifeboat bobbing around on an ocean and we can't control the ocean, but we can make the lifeboat more comfortable.

I also struggle with the mind/body connection. I don't want to deny it, but it's had a bit impact on my past, I had postnatal depression after my first child was born. My 2nd child was born 2 years later and I had an horrific time physically, but in seeking to get help with that I still had the label of depression and it was a battle to get the help I needed, I've got copies of some of my medical records from the time and I have letters from my psychiatrist saying things like "The lady is not depressed, her pain is purely physical, please deal with it". I know there is a huge connection between pain and depression and that I didn't get depressed at that time is something I want to celebrate and in someways marks a success in mind/body separation. My body isn't fully healed, it never will be so there is some element of fear in opening that connection.

2 down, 3 to go?

2009-11-15T14:30:00.000-08:00

Sausage Boy is now down too, he went to a gymnastics thing last night and went flop and had to come home early, then was up in the night and in pain. I'd asked DH to go out and stock up on various things, children's tylenol being one of them, but he hadn't. Fortunately I found some ibuprofen and he seems grateful to be given something and went back to bed. He caused a slight panic this afternoon when he went up stairs and was then not to be found in his room or our room, for whatever reason he'd decided to go to sleep in the spare room, I suppose at least there he won't be disturbed.

I've been doing a bit of research about when complications are likely to occur, which apparently is 3-5 days after onset of symptoms, so I'm not out of the woods yet, I've been this congested in my chest before and it not developed into anything further, though it's less than 2 months since a CT scan for other reasons showed an incidental finding of fluid on my lungs, though a follow up x-ray was fine. I don't follow the exact medical connection, because until this happened I wasn't aware you could have it and it not be a problem, but I have read somewhere that some organisation is now advising that all people hospitalised for flu should have a CT scan to check for this, so there is a little nagging in the back of my mind that if I managed to get it for no reason then maybe I'm going to more vulnerable to complications.

The good news is that Grace seems to be completely fine, as if she did get it she'd be very vulnerable being under 6 months and tiny with it, thank goodness for breastfeeding! My supply must be dipping though as I've completely lost my appetite and she has been eating through the night the past few nights, but it doesn't really matter as I'm snoozing at other times too, everything has blurred into a bit of a haze.

more bizarre treatments

2009-11-13T19:19:00.000-08:00

The nurse told me on the phone that I wanted to get my temperature up to 100.5, but as soon as it hit 101 that I should take paracetamol. I'd already been taking paracetamol for pain, so I was told not to take any more until my temp was up to 101, when DH woke me to feed Grace I was at 100.9 after feeding I didn't wait for the thermometer to settle on a reading once it got beyond 102, it was time to take those pills!

We've no idea where we picked this up, we know several people who've had it, but around a month-6 weeks ago, so it probably isn't directly from them. Kids, Grace and DH seem fine, so I'm keeping my distance other than to feed Grace, which should hopefully protect her. I'm even wondering about pumping and turning it into chocolate milk for the other kids.

It would probably be useful to think of other ways we can boost their immunity, chewy vitamins perhaps.

it's official

2009-11-13T14:18:00.000-08:00

I have flu, instructions are to rest and gargle with hot water every two hours. I asked about tamiflu as I'd thought that was supposed to the weapon to prevent spread, but this group of doctors are not doing that, they say the side effects aren't worth it. Time to try and sleep!

flu?

2009-11-13T11:40:00.001-08:00

I've been asking myself can it be flu without a temperature, but now my temp has started to climb, which made me realise I didn't know what to do, we'd been in the doctor's office at the beginning of the week and I don't remember seeing anything. I put my thinking cap on and figured the best thing to do was to call and ask, afterall, if they asked me to come in, I could always say no. So I called and asked if they have a system to avoid me coming in and infecting everyone and apparently they do, so a nurse will call me.

knee is playing tricks on me

2009-11-12T15:24:00.000-08:00

ok, so my knee isn't a sentient being and isn't able to play tricks on me, but that's certainly what it feels like. I can't remember the first time my left knee yelled at me, but it's been intermittant for a while and more frequent since Grace was born. The reason I say it's playing tricks on me is that it comes and goes without rhyme or reason, I really cannot fathom any triggers or cures.

What seems to happen is everything is fine, then I'll take a step upwards and the pain hits and it's so intense ans such a surprise that I may well cry out, stupidly I usually then try again a couple of times, then resort to taking stairs one at a time, right leg leading. Then I'll forget all about it, until the next time I climb stairs or cross uneven terrain. Sometimes the first pain will be the worst pain, sometimes not, often it goes away completely between triggers, but sometimes doesn't.

I rather suspect that this is yet another hint that I need to get fitter and stronger, which is something I still need to figure out how to do. I really have to do something, I should talk to Andrew about pilates, because of everything I've done that really does seem to work for me, but as the private sessions do seem to make a big difference in it's effectiveness, it's a cost issue as well as a time issue.

The dinner they ate!

2009-11-12T09:45:00.001-08:00

Whilst cooking yesterday's dinner, I was thinking it would be one of those dinners that wouldn't go down well with the kids. It was a packet of ginger coconut rice, that we've never had before and grilled scallops (from a packet that's been in the freezer too long!). Both of them ate it all! I'll have to buy that rice again as usually they aren't very good with rice, I love scallops, so I'm glad that they are on the menu!

something rather than nothing

2009-11-11T21:26:00.000-08:00

Well it looks like my slight symptoms over the weekend really were something, I don't know what, as according to my little table for differentiating between cold and flu, I have some symptoms more common with flu, and am missing symptoms that should be present for a cold, such as nasal congestion, but I don't have a fever. I'll go with not flu, not a cold, but something chesty for today's supremely accurate diagnosis work!

Had to do a bit of looking up to see what was ok with breastfeeding and robitussin cough is, but so far it hasn't worked! I'm just hoping I'll sleep ok tonight, then we can face the world tomorrow with my hopefully somewhat improved.

The only way is down!

2009-11-11T14:02:00.000-08:00

I spotted this when we were out looking at trains on Sunday!

Motivation

2009-11-10T15:24:00.000-08:00

My mood is definitely better than it was, but I'm still struggling with motivation, or "get up and go". I'm at a point where I know things need to be done, but I can't face the idea of even making a mental list of what needs to be done, so therefore I don't do anything, unless it's right in my face, i.e. looking after Grace. I feel very lazy and I don't deny that a tendency to laziness is part of this, but it's more complex than that. When I'm not depressed, I definitely have a tendancy to do things that are pleasureable rather than work, but now I'm not even doing things that are pleasureable, I'm just surviving.

too many appointments

2009-11-09T22:16:00.001-08:00

I saw my psychiatrist and counsellor today, and realised that this isn't a good idea. One of the reasons I'm with this psychiatrist is that she does do counselling, but it's a very different style from regular counselling, so I think that at least for now I need to keep working with the counsellor as well, even though I've found it quite difficult.

I think I probably have quite a difficult personality for counselling, when I'm asked what I want to acheive by the sessions, my usual response is "I don't know, that's why I'm here". I feel that if I knew what I wanted to acheive I wouldn't need a counsellor to help me acheive it, though I think that is a very simplistic view of things.

I really need to fit exercise into my schedule, there are two problems with making an effort to walk more, the rain and the fact that I do still have pelvic instability, 20 minutes at a brisk pace can really set some pain off it those areas. I know what has worked for me in the past, but that's also something difficult to organise and finance, pilates is the type of exercise that works for me, but I have enough needs that group classes are not ideal. I also am not keen to put Grace in gym daycare, it's supposed to be well child, but with incubation periods of various illnesses that doesn't help much, I've got to figure it out, but I need some help with getting effective pain relief whilst I do that.

maybe something, maybe not

2009-11-07T18:08:00.001-08:00

My feeling slightly coldy increased fractionally today, but it's still far from a full blown cold - maybe you'd call that a mild cold! I'm wondering if it may be slight allergies as whilst we were getting Grace weighed, I suddenly got a whiff of some kind of plant and felt a suspicious tingle (not sure how to describe the feeling, if you've experienced plant allergies you'll know what I mean, if not, I'm not sure anything could describe it), which turned out to be from a large pot plant in a room across the corridor.

Yesterday I was lucky to get a quick response from my doctor and I was able to take the migraine preventer within two hours of the first symptoms, it worked! At least it worked on the headache and visual component, but still left a fair amount of nausea, which is exactly what happened last time I took it, but I was pregnant then, though I didn't know it.

After trying a friend's baby bjorn carrier last weekend and finding it infinitely more comfortable than the one we have, we reached deep into our pockets and bought one, it really was deep as the one we tried was an active version with extra back support, which I could feel was making a big difference for me. Now I'm going to have to use it as much as possible to justify it! Carrying her just in arms, or lifting the car seat was really bothering various bits of my body, so the discipline will hopefully be good for me!

bother, migraine

2009-11-06T15:51:00.000-08:00

I've been disorganised, my neurologist wrote me a prescription for a medication you take as soon as you feel a migraine coming on, but the pharmacist wouldn't fill it as she was concerned about it's possible interaction with lexapro, my doctor knew about the lexapro and also gave me some samples, but without actually asking him I can't assume that he knew about the possible interaction, but also thought it was ok, or whether he didn't, or had forgotten I was taking lexapro. So I don't even want to take one of the samples until I get an answer - I called his office, but it's possible they won't even get the message until after the weekend and if they do, I'm relying on the goodwill of his assistant to actually pass it on today rather than wait until Monday. I tried to leave a message that was apologetic for my own disorganisation whilst still communicating that a quick answer would be appreciated. I also discovered that I didn't refill my antisickness tablets and there is only one left, our pharmacy takes 12 hours to do a phone refill and this script got written as regular tablets not ones that dissolve on your tongue, which seem to work better.

To add to all that I'm running really low on painkillers, but as my regular doctor is on holiday right now for two weeks, when I called to make an appointment about two weeks ago, it ended up being almost a month away! So I'm really feeling like a bit of a lemon, I had plenty of opportunity to have plans in place for the likely occurance of a migraine and I didn't, talk about sticking you head in the sand!

I really shouldn't even be sat here blogging, I have two sleeping kids, I should be taking all possible actions to avoid this getting any worse, but having taken my afternoon dose of adderall my brain doesn't want to relax.

did I ever mention

2009-11-06T12:19:00.001-08:00

Grace shares a birthday with Queen Victoria, 190 years after her, this also means that Grace shares a birthday with her Great Great Grandmother, born in 1900, who was named Victoria after Queen Victoria.

That Friday feeling

2009-11-06T11:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, maybe it's not a Friday feeling, maybe it's just how I'm feeling, emotionally I feel fine, physically I'm definitely not 100%, maybe the sniffle and the scratchy throat won't turn into anything, then again, maybe they will!

The good thing is that it seems that Grace probably wasn't reacting to ambien yesterday as this morning, instead of sleeping fo ages she just fed constantly, it's frustrating to have a milk supply that is so sensitive, getting slightly full yesterday seems to have led to less milk today.

More than one person suggested I try caramel apples, for simplicity, but that just made me all the more determined to make real toffee apples. This was accomplished with the aid of a brand new saucepan, I was actually given the money to buy one 4.5 years ago!

In finding a new recipe, I discovered there is some dispute as to what temperature the sugar should reach, ranging from soft ball to hard crack. What to me is a traditional toffee apple has very brittle toffee, which with my limited sugar boiling experience is hard crack. I discovered in the first attempt that hard crack on my sugar thermometer is the low end of the possible range and the resultant toffee wasn't really hard crack, so this time I let it go about 10 deg F above the hard crack line and it turned out perfectly.

The other tricky thing is keeping the sugar at a temperature where it isn't bubbling, but is still runny enough to cover the apples, none of the instructions I found suggested anything but taking the pan off the stove, which I did initially, which worked for the first few, then it became impossible to twist the apple as the sugar was so stiff, so I reheated it, then left the ring on low, which seemed to work.

Some day, I'd like to make Edinburgh rock, which is a favourite of mine, one I haven't had in a long time.

Sleepy Grace

2009-11-05T15:39:00.001-08:00

I really hope this isn't a consequence of the ambien I took last night, but Grace slept for almost 4 hours this morning, then fed, had an hour of being awake and happy then zonked out again. Maybe she is catching up for yesterday when she didn't really nap at all, or maybe she is fighting a virus. I checked "Medication and Mother's Milk" and it says it's undetectable in breastmilk 4-5 hours after taking it, she didn't feed until about 9 hours after I took.

Problem is, if it's a virus she could continue this behaviour for a few days, so it could take a week or so to determine if it's the ambien, because I don't want to discontinue it based on one day.

As far as I can tell, the only harm from infant drowsiness is that they are not awake to absorb the world around them and do the developing they need to do, so I feel reasonably confident that a week of figuring it out won't harm her. The conservative approach would be to not take the ambien tonight, but I feel so much better today, even without having taken the extra adderall this afternoon, that I really don't want to do that. It seems to me like when you do something positive in recovery from depression that it gives you more boost than logically it would, but that the same is also true, make a backwards step and the fall is further.

Moving forward - I hope (and pray!)

2009-11-04T16:17:00.000-08:00

In the past few days I've been able to step back and look at the bigger picture of how things are going. I'm trying to see it as a positive thing that I can step back, but unfortunately when I do, I really don't like what I see.

When I do step back, I realise it's been a year since I first saw signs of depression, 7 months since I started treatment and yet I'm still far from well. One way of looking at it is to say that after Sausage Boy was born, it did take until after Christmas for things to really start looking up, but I wasn't depressed in pregnancy with him, though as I do think there is a hormonal component to this, perhaps that time frame is how long it takes for hormonal normality to be restored.

On the other hand, I have to consider that maybe time isn't going to do the trick and that somehow we have to make changes, both in life and with my medication to turn the corner.

I've been reading a little bit about symptoms of depression and how they would influence medication choices and I'm feeling that just an SSRI probably isn't a good fit for me, however, having had a severe reaction to Cymbalta, an SNRI, then taking any that have an effect on norepinephrine is something that needs to be approached with caution.

I felt like I was stuck on what else we could play around with medicationwise, because of breastfeeding and I was beginning to consider that maybe stopping breastfeeding might be best for the whole family. I made sure to say this all to my doctor today, including how I really didn't feel comfortable about stopping breastfeeding. Thankfully she had other ideas, that we should try to address my sleep issues more effectively as it's obvious that these are having a huge effect on my coping ability. We haven't seen any evidence of Grace reacting to the adderall I've been taking, so she suggested that I take an extra half dose at about 2pm. She also suggested that as I got good results with ambien for sleep that I go back to that, I'd stopped it back in April because my previous psychiatrist felt it contributed to lowering my mood, but the new one thinks that it's worth trying.

So I took my extra dose this afternoon and I definitely feel a lot better at this time than I did the past few days, which is encouraging. I need to get the ambien prescription filled before bed, but I'm hopeful about that too.

I find this particular doctor very encouraging, it's not anything she says, more her whole personality. Even though I've only seen her three times, I felt with very little explanation from me that she understood how I felt about breastfeeding and grasped that I was at a point where things really needed to change and that for me to be even presenting it as an option that I really was feeling pretty desperate. She's given me the confidence that I can make it a few more weeks which will give Grace her 6 months of exclusive breastfeeding and gives me more time to see if time is helping. I'm really pleased about this as yesterday I wasn't sure how I'd even make it to the weekend.

The big toffee apple disaster!

2009-11-04T16:02:00.000-08:00

On Monday I mentioned the British tradition of toffee apples on bonfire night to Sausage Boy. As you would expect he wanted to make some. I've done it before and both kids have demonstrated they can be trusted to follow instructions in the kitchen, so I wasn't overly concerned about them being around boiling sugar.

The problem came in finding a recipe, I think I last made them when pregnant with Sausage Boy, so seven years ago. So I googled for a recipe and used the first one I found, BIG MISTAKE, after I eventually got the sugar to the right temperature, it became obvious that there was way too much fat in the recipe and the toffee just slid right off the apples!

Fortunately I'd already laid out foil trays for the leftovers, so I've just made a rather larger quantity than I expected of toffee!

I've done a bit more googling and found another few recipes and I given I have lots of apples, I think I will try again, even if it's after bonfire night, this time I'll go for fat free. Another suggestion I found was to have the apples in the fridge before you dip them in the toffee, so it sets quicker, so I'll be trying that too.

The kids were actually really good with preparing the apples, they carefully peeled off all the labels and then washed and dried them all, not a single one ended up on the floor, they struggled a bit more with pushing the sticks into the apples, but that isn't surprising.

I'm also very tempted to use this an excuse to buy a new saucepan as some of the non stick coating on mine came off and there was the odd black fleck in the toffee mixture.

up and down

2009-11-03T12:45:00.000-08:00

It was so good to feel a bit perkier yesterday morning that I was disappointed as the end of the afternoon came that my mood started to fall, particularly as I'd got some rest, the kids were being pretty good and dinner was planned. Unfortunately that's the nature of depression, looking at the negatives not the positives, but even by the end of yesterday I had at least realised that that was how I was looking at things and went to bed feeling encouraged that I'd had several hours of feeling better.

Unfortunately I took a long time to get off to sleep last night and Grace woke early and though I fell back asleep, she only slept another 1.5 hours, so I'm feeling sleep deprived today.

I also had to be out early to meet with Sausage Boy's teacher at 8am! I took Grace, even though she didn't need feeding so that Andrew wasn't having to juggle all three of them. Apparently he is a delight to have around and she doesn't really have any concerns about him, everything is average or better, in particular his speaking, he's not really a surprise to us as though he wasn't an early speaker, once he got going, there was no stopping him and he uses some pretty big words. We found last year in kindergarten that he's a natural when it comes to public speaking.

One thing that does bother us is the maths curriculum, I suspect it's one of those things where it's better than previous ones for weaker students and similar for the vast majority of students, but that it holds back the brighter students. It insists that they show working for things that last year in kindergarten working wasn't required, so to do something like 5+3, instead of just answering 8, they have to write 6 7 8 above the 3 and it's absolutely rigid in requiring that they do it that way. I remember at school, showing your working was always encouraged, but rarely demanded, if you didn't show working but got everything right you wouldn't lose marks, just earn a comment of "please show your working"! Thankfully it seems that unlike his parents Sausage Boy so far is very content to do as he is asked, but as the weeks go on, what he does in his head just because he wants to is rapidly diverging from what he does on paper. I can see that when it gets to multiplication he will have likely taught himself his timestables then be taught to draw everything out and at some point he may well not be so happy to oblige. For now we'll continue to encourage him to produce neat and accurate work and keep our concerns to ourselves, but it seems inevitable that at some point we'll have to consider our options.

Fall Festival

2009-11-02T15:47:00.000-08:00

Instead of dressing up for Halloween, our kids got to dress up for the Fall Festival at Banana Girl's preschool, I tried to get a picture of them all dressed up, but as usual it's close to impossible to get them all looking good at the same time, this is about the best.

A little brighter

2009-11-02T14:48:00.000-08:00

I slept badly last night, I was awake before Grace woke up, which I prefer, but not when I look at my watch and realise it's only 5am! I was then bright and wide awake and couldn't get to sleep, then conked out after 7am. Sausage Boy has a random day off school and kindly played with Grace whilst I had a shower and for the first time in weeks I felt motivated to do stuff and plan stuff, so I have a list of things I need to do this afternoon and some ideas for later in the week, I'm trying to be realistic with myself and am letting myself take some timeout right now, whilst Grace is napping.

I had a counselling session at lunch time, it's only my 2nd with this counsellor as she had to cancel last week, but I feel positive about it, even though I think it's going to be challenging.

Chaos

2009-11-02T14:35:00.001-08:00

We've been wanting to get a new sofa for a while, when we went to Ikea in the summer, I saw one I liked and it's just been a matter of finding the time to get it. One of the cushions on our current sofa had a rip in it that was getting bigger and bigger and really frustrating me and I was getting pretty strong in saying we needed to do something about it.

Somehow not having a plan for dinner on Saturday, turned into a suggestion of going to Ikea to eat and sorting out getting the sofa delivered, which then turned into not eating at Ikea, but Andrew taking all the kids out afterwards to sort things out.

When he saw the boxes, he realised he could get them in the car, though he thought it would take two trips, so he arranged for them to be held for 24 hours, then brought the kids home, took the seats out and headed back for the first trip. It turned out that by a hair's breadth, he could get everything in so after 9pm on Saturday, we had all the pieces to build a new sofa.

I felt a bit mean and lazy, but after having read the approach to EDS that I recently posted, I decided not to push myself, but to be careful, which meant Andrew did a lot of hard work and I did a lot of unwrapping of plastic! I also took the conservative approach of going to bed promptly, leaving the job unfinished and suggested that Andrew did the same, thinking it would keep me awake. However he put it all together, for which I am very thankful and his activities didn't keep me awake, so on Sunday morning I came downstairs to a transformed living room, but empty boxes to climb over and a 3 seater sofa in the only available space left downstairs, meaning direct access from the kitchen to the dining room table was gone!

After letting the kids play with the boxes, they did make their way to the recycling on Sunday afternoon, thank you Andrew! But the extra sofa is still there, Andrew is convinced it will fit in the car, I'm not so confident, but fingers crossed it will and the tip is open very late, so it should get taken tonight and then we'll have space to move around again!

safety during surgery

2009-11-01T14:09:00.000-08:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8297196.stm

Over the past couple of years I've seen numerous articles like this, yet whenever I discuss this kind of thing with someone in healthcare, it seems like they are extremely defensive.

I was pretty stunned at the statement "Some have also implemented a check list system for each individual patient.", to me that seems obvious, surely someone should be checking the big picture, if the patient comes from a ward where they've been prepped, to you assume the people up there did everything right, how many times are basics missed like not having put surgical stockings on?

I've had a few surgeries now, in several different places, private and NHS in the UK and here in the US, obviously the type of surgery influences exactly how it is handled, but I've definitely felt more confident when the process has begun in an area dedicated to surgery than on a ward with a mixture of stages, I suppose because everyone is focused on preparing you for surgery and it seems less likely that something gets missed.

Only once in all that time have I spoken to the anethetist before the day of the surgery, which I've now decided is a very good idea and I'll always try to do in future. The opposite situation arose when on anethetist could only vaguely remember what Ehlers Danlos syndrome was and asked me if it would cause any problems with knocking me out!

Good nutrition

2009-10-31T20:03:00.000-07:00

I really don't eat a good diet, over the past few months I've got into some bad habits that it's time to change. Breakfast is my worst meal, mornings are such a struggle for me that I've been grabbing bars to eat, they are ok in terms of having a good amount of protein in them, but they do have artifical sweetners, one of them even has green vegetables somehow squashed into it. However, it's time to change, once the current boxes are done I need another plan for breakfast. I'm also trying to be realistic, I'm not going to eat something that takes lots of time to prepare.

I just put quinoa flakes on to cook in our little dipper crockpot, it's pretty bland and requires scrubbing out the crockpot afterwards, so it's not a solution for every morning, but it's a step in the right direction.

I'm also beginning to think about how we'll introduce solids to Grace, I'd prefer to let her lead the way, but that still requires us to put something in front of her to allow her to choose and I'm feeling surprisingly stumped for ideas considering we've done this twice before! Sausage Boy adored chunks of cheddar cheese, but I'm not sure that's something we want to do with Grace, I'm still musing over whether she has a dairy or other food sensitivity, so I think we probably need to be more cautious than with the other two, particularly as we completely failed to notice that Banana Girl was having a slight reaction to dairy until we were told to cut it out by a natropath and things improved!

An EDS plan

2009-10-31T19:02:00.000-07:00

I found this on an EDS blog today, written by Sama Bellomo, I do intend to comment on it, but I'm letting it have it's own post to avoid any confusion as to who the author is, as in it's not me that wrote it!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mastering EDS: A mind and body approach to education, adaptation and acclimation

I write this plan to take control of my health, acknowledging both mind and body as integral to gaining control.

Ground rules:
-Overcome, adapt, keep a level head, keep going!
-What we cannot cure, we must endure.
-Accept that laxity and dislocations are going to happen

Short Term:
Grieve
-Let it hurt, get mad, emote
-Draw, write, sing, paint
-Move on, find self-worth

Educate myself about my condition
-Recover health records
-Recover diagnostic imaging
-Read enough to understand, but not everything

Let friends, professors, health care help
-Build concise list of communicative sentences
-Talk, type
-Stay involved with the world

Prioritize
-Identify hardest obstacles and overcome/adapt
-Environment (messes, furniture, ergonomics)
-Holding pens, cracking fingers, loose wrists
-Cracking ankles, feet, toes
-Posture
-Make time and compartmentalize it

Long-Term:
Be realistic
-Accept pain and accommodate rather than resist
-Plan ahead to avoid complications
-Maintain what is currently in good health
-Find ways to have fun without getting injured

Take care of my body
-Find a healthy exercise program that feels safe and effective

Make peace with my body
-Treat it with kindness, mindfulness
-Push it to its limit, but not beyond
-Adapt with splints and surgery (only when necessary)

Let society deal with society's stigmas
-Become self-confident in my abilities
-Let people ask and be answered
-Understand how my environment works for/against me from my own perspective

Be well,
Sama Bellomo

Still surviving

2009-10-30T11:54:00.000-07:00

The way I feel is kind of a mixed bag, I still feel pretty close to tears a lot of the time, yet I'm also able to smile and laugh and enjoy a conversation. I'm completely exhausted, despite Grace having returned to her usual sleeping through the night, it seems like sleeping at night isn't restorative.

I got a massage this morning, I'd scheduled it as a desperate attempt to try and reduce pain levels, but I was still surprised just how tight and tender some bits of me were. I think that's kind of reassuring that even if my depression is affecting my pain by causing bits of me to tense up easily, it probably isn't affecting my perception of pain, considering how tender some bits were I was surprised that I hadn't been experiencing much worse pain. I paid for 4 sessions and plan to go weekly for 4 weeks to see if I can break the cycle.

We have an event at preschool tonight, the fall festival, it's their alternative to halloween, though still too close for my tastes, too many smiling pumpkins for comfort - it's interesting just how strong symbolism can be, I don't know how long I've known about the meaning behind a carved pumpkin, but it's so strong for me that I'm always uncomfortable seeing one, or any kind of representation of a pumpkin and a face, so despite not celebrating halloween Banana Girl's classroom was decorated with several different pumkins decorations, most of which had faces on them.

We've taught Sausage Boy about what a Jack 0'Lantern is but have allowed him to go to a party at school today, they went to a pumpkin patch yesterday and chose a pumpking and they are doing something with them today, which is supposed to be a surprise, so it will be interesting to see what he does as once he believes something he's very strong with them and not ashamed to proclaim them.

This gives us a lot of responsiblity as parents, one issue we've had to deal with is the pledge of allegience, how to explain to him why we don't want him saying it, but also to be respectful to others, as for us, it's not just that we're not Americans (and you could argue that we choose to live her, so should support it), but we feel that pledging allegience to a flag is verging on idolatory. I also feel uncomfortable with the words "under God", to say that with full meaning should be a big deal for anyone, so the practice of saying it daily in school is not one I support.

The next issue could be veterans' day assembly, I've nothing at all against veterans' day, but I have a hard time processing that with regards to current conflicts, I prefer the British name of Rememberance Day and I'm a big fan of the two minutes silence. I know they are trying to have current/recent veterans there, so we really know nothing about what will be said and he's pretty much unaware of current conflicts, the school's idea of what is appropriate for a 6 year old might be quite different to ours.

So, how am I doing?

2009-10-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

I've had two full days at home, doing normal life, so it seems like a good time to evaluate how I feel it's going.

Bottom line is, we're surviving. One of the main things that was bothering me about being at the hospital was how the house, which isn't generally very tidy was disintegrating further. We have cleaners every other week at the moment and I felt my main job was to get the place ready for them coming yesterday morning. I managed that reasonably well, but I still feel there is more that needs doing before I can even think about setting up regular routines.

I'm struggling with exhaustion, narcolepsy isn't a good starting point and I've come off the drug that was making me sleep, unfortunately still having to replace it, with something that I think gives me a lesser quality of sleep (type of sleep is a characteristic feature of narcolepsy and contributes to day time tiredness). I could definitely do with being more physically fit, my plan is to start dancing again in November, but that may not be enough.

Since coming off Seroquel, I do feel my mood is lower, but it's stable, rather than volatile, which is definitely a good thing. I find this time of year hard anyway, I don't like the US way of doing Halloween and we don't have any family traditions around it. To me a carved pumpking with a light in is for the purpose of warding off the devil, so there are no carved pumpkins in this house! On facebook and in real life, I see most families having some kind of family tradition about acquiring pumpkins, whether that be at the supermarket or the pumpkin patch.

Preschool has a fall festival as an alternative to Halloween, but even there, there doesn't seem to be much understanding of the origins and smiley faces on pumpkins are a common occurance and it still has a lot in common with US Halloween, rather than the complete detachment alternative events I've been to in the UK have had.

Obviously Bonfire Night isn't celebrated here, I never really thought I'd miss it, but I do, we often used to go to my rowing club, which allowed kids to get a good view of the fireworks without the big bangs and it was an excuse to make toffee, or toffee apples.

Thanksgiving means nothing to us, so it's kind of an annoying long weekend, shops are mostly closed on the Thursday, then completely overflowing on the Friday.

Christmas is what we make of it ourselves and as yet, I don't feel we've established traditions, of the seven years we've been married, 3 were spent in the UK, 1 in Korea and 3 here and it's only since we've been here that we've had children old enough to really know what's going on. I try to keep up with traditional British christmas foods, but it can be hard to get ingredients and other things traditional about Christmas aren't easily available, such as crackers. I miss going to church on Christmas morning, here, most churchs have a service on Christmas Eve. There also isn't for us the mad dash of trying to squeeze in visits to all our relatives, which leaves me wondering what to do between Christmas and New Year.

time is ticking

2009-10-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

Grace woke up and needed a change and feeding, which I took as a chance for me to rest and listened to "The Unbelievable Truth" a comedy panel game on radio 4. Meanwhile Banana Girl managed to spend that whole time washing her hands, or rather flooding the bathroom, thank goodness for tiles, she was happy, I could let her enjoy herself!

After feeding Grace occupied herself with thoroughly cleaning out her bowels, lovely, she needed a complete change of clothes, so I took the opportunity to give her a bath and Banana Girl "helped", which turned into her having a good look through my jewellery box whilst I got Grace dressed. We had a good discussion about crosses, she found one and identified that it should go on a necklace and even though it's decorative with a stone in the middle, she linked it to Jesus dieing on a cross, I asked her why she thought I might wear it and she told me why Jesus died on the cross and I discussed with her that I could wear it as a reminder to myself about that, or because I wanted others to know, she told me that we should tell other people about it.

Interestingly, today's devotion in My Utmost for His Highest was about that, but emphasising that we tell people because Jesus commanded it, not because of wanting them to know. I guess my take on it is that Jesus commanded it because he wants people to know, so we would also want people to know, but that perhaps in exhortations for evangelism we focus a bit too much on the side of wanting people to know, rather than bring it back to basics, that it is what we are commanded to do.

It's about half an hour until I leave for the psychiatrist, I'm going to make my task for that time to collect all the rubbish from upstairs, so off to get a big black bin bag!

Got discharged

2009-10-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

I was discharged from the partial hospitalisation program today. So I'm home earlier than expected. I have a little under 2 hours until I need to leave to see my psychiatrist, so I need a plan of what I want to accomplish in that time to avoid wasting it!

still awake

2009-10-26T00:37:00.000-07:00

I took my "sleeping tablet" 3 hours ago and I'm still awake, this is my 3rd night free of Seroquel and I did manage to fall asleep the last 2 nights, though Grace prevented a good nights sleep!

She's trying hard to do the same tonight, she's up for the 1st time already, but she's getting a bottle.

I don't even feel drowsy and still feel a little anxious (the sleeping tablet is lorezapam, so should act on anxiety as well) about tomorrow, not so much the hospital, but more tomorrow as a whole, I'd like to take Sausage Boy to his maths olympiad prep to see what they get up to, DH took him to the first one last week.

I'd also like to take Banana Girl to preschool, ideally leaving Grace at home, so I can walk in with her and give her my full attention.

I don't really want to take Grace to the doctors, I just don't like finding out her weight and being disappointed by it, even though the doctor isn't worried there has been enough doubt put in my mind both from the lactation consultants and how Sausage Boy's weight was handled. I'm also thinking I don't want her to get any of the vaccines she had a month ago as it seems too close and even though the doctor has been fine with it so far, at some point she might get unhappy.

However I don't feel that I'm mulling all this over in my mind, I feel like I don't want to lie still, I'm fidgity, which isn't conducive to falling asleep!

How to cook wheat free for one meal

2009-10-25T21:02:00.000-07:00

This is a brief guide for anyone who brins us a meal, or has us over for a meal, I'll write it using local shops, though the same general info would apply to anywhere else in the world.

Firstly I need to clear up wheat free versus gluten free, I'm only wheat free, gluten free usually means someone has celiac disease, which I, thankfully do not. Wheat for me causes inflamation, which usually means pain, I've become increasingly sensitive since I cut it out, so, for example, I reacted to eating meat balls at Ikea. One interesting aside is that I've noticed I rarely get plugged ducts, which were frequent with the other two children.

Gluten is in more grains than just wheat, if you buy something gluten free, it will be wheat free, but only requiring wheat free allows some useful ingredients you may have on hand, the main one being cornflour for thickening sauces and possibly corn tortillas (I buy the huge pack from costco and freeze in portions).

When planning a meal, either keep pasta out of your head, or pick up some wheatfree pasta, quinoa and brown rice based ones seem to be the best, both for texture and taste, in Fred Meyer it's all separate near the organic section. Consider dishes containing rice or potatoes, bakes tend to transport pretty well. As a family we've never been big on bread as a side dish, but it is enjoyed by the rest of the family, so don't worry about me missing out, I'd probably have skipped it anyway!

http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/ has some great recipes, though as a gluten free family, they use ingredients which it's not worth buying for one off cooking.

For desserts, I'd skip commercially prepared gluten free stuff, it's overpriced if you ask me! There are lots of ice cream flavours that don't have wheat - skip the cookie dough! Trader Joes do a great gluten free brownie mix and Whole Foods sell a ready baked tray of gluten free brownies, someone located some cookies in Safeway that were free of any flour. My waistline could do without dessert though!

hmm

2009-10-25T20:18:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time getting my head round next week. Sausage Boy has maths olympiad prep at 7.45 tomorrow morning, preschool drop off for Banana Girl is 9am and Grace has a doctors appointment at 9.45, all really annoying time gaps. Then at the end of it all, I have to drive up to the hospital, I'll probably arrive in the middle of the first group session, there could be new people, I've no idea what they will be teaching and I really don't want to have to walk through that door.

Right now it feels like the program is just putting strain on a lot of people and I just want it to be over and to get on with life.

sickness is all around

2009-10-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

Loads of our friends are sick, or feel like they are going down with something. Banana Girl complained of a sore throat this morning and I've been coughing away all afternoon. Usually I'm the first to hit the medicine cabinet or the drug store for all modern medicine can offer us for these things, but with breastfeeding, I'm going to have to check everything, my chest feels like it could really use some guafenesin right now...

my body

2009-10-25T12:54:00.000-07:00

Due to doing the partial hospitalisation program, I had to cancel some physical therapy appointments, in someways that was a good thing as I don't think the PT was really helping, I think my body still needs time to recover from being pregnant. Some sources suggest that people with EDS should do only light activities for 6 months, though don't mention the effect of breastfeeding at all. Lifting strollers and car seats is almost unavoidable and probably doesn't count as light activities!

Being at the hospital in the day hasn't helped either as I think the sitting as flared up my hip and tail bone to a less extent. My hip seems to be going down hill though, as on Friday I was fine taking a trip to the mall and back, but today it was sore walking home from Radio Shack, which is closer than the mall.

Sometimes I wonder why I went through the hip surgery, but then I have to remember that sometimes it is pain free, when it never was before, the problem is, it just seems so vulnerable and little things send it into a worsening spiral. So far the bes solution I've found is a particular massage therapist, who tells me that the joint capsule itself tightens unevenly. Problem is, that isn't covered under insurance and it takes an hour and I probably need to do multiple sessions.

Saturday

2009-10-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

Grace gave us the worst night she's given us, waking 4 times! That's the kind of morning when I'm thankful for narcolepsy and having meds to help me stay awake, honestly, if it wasn't for that, it would have been very tricky to deal with our commitments for today. Sausage Boy had a dance competition, which meant I was driving on the freeway like it or not.

Some friends had offered to take our kids so we could have a night out, but we were both so tired that our night out was the local sushi bar and watching an episode of House!

I'm tired and in pain and trying to avoid over reflecting on how my mood is, I think how I handle things is a better indication than how I feel, some woman came up to this morning when I'd laid Grace carefully on the floor whilst I pinned Sausage Boy's number on and had a go at me for how I was handling the baby, I just politely said "why don't you mind your own business", when I could have clammed up, attempted to ignore her and let her make further comments, equally I could have rumminated on it all day and made all sorts of leaps in thought about my mothering skills. Instead, on her comment that when she'd seen me in August I was holding the baby like a sack of potatoes, I've just been chuckling with an image of me holding a sack of potatoes! Grace used to really like what I think is known as colic hold and it is rather like scooping up a sack of potatoes over one arm!

Dance competitions and House watching mean plenty of knitting opportunities, I weighed my yarn before I came upstairs and I'm 16g beyond my target for this week and it's only Saturday evening.

One more

2009-10-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

Another cute picture.

Grace - 5 months

2009-10-24T21:29:00.000-07:00

I try to take a picture of Grace on her month birthdays, this time she's playing with Daddy! Her most recent weight was last Thursday (9 days ago), and she was 12lb1oz, so she's probably about 12.5lb now. She's rolling from back to front easily and front to back with lots of hard work! She's starting to grab things and put them in her mouth, she wanted to tast big brother's dancing shoes today! She doesn't seem interested in food, other than as another object that could potentially go in her mouth, we were at a sushi bar today and she was more interested in football on the TV than what we were eating. Because we've gone slow on vaccinations, she'll have a 5 months well baby visit, which is on Monday, at which point we'll be asking the doctor about options for one of her birth marks, I forget the official name, but she has 2 strawberry birth marks on the top layer of skin and one deeper, one of the surface ones is in a nappy area and it's become blistered and is causing her pain.

owie

2009-10-23T18:38:00.000-07:00

My back is playing up badly this evening, it may be related to having carried a sleeping Grace in her car seat from the school car park to Sausage Boy's classroom, I should have got the stroller out, but I didn't want to have to deal with getting it through all the doors!

We had a fairly successful trip to the mall, picking up a butterfly costume for Grace and a princess costume for Banana Girl, however we got that home to find it had a dirty mark on it, so it's got to go back, but thankfully that can be combined with a trip to choose Sausage Boy a costume.

I pulled the exersaucer out of the garage to see if Grace was strong enough for it, which she is, but she's really too small for it, we're hitting the same problem as we had with Sausage Boy as he was turning into a toddler, that even the smallest ride on toy we could find, his feet didn't touch the floor, I don't know what his height was at a year, but he weighed 17 and a half pounds, which plenty of babies are at Grace's age (5 months tomorrow).

Soon it will be time to buy another tripp trapp chair and fish the baby set out of the garage. We plan on baby led introduction of solids, at least to start off with, rather than going with runny cereal! We offerred purees and cereal to Sausage Boy, but didn't really have much success, Banana Girl did like cereal, but it led to her refusing the breast first thing in the morning, which I'd like to avoid with Grace, I'd rather she cut out other feeds first, not that we have any kind of schedule going!

Friday

2009-10-23T14:15:00.001-07:00

Grace seems to have figured out that she gets her food from source if she demands it in the night, which is rather unfortunate as she had been sleeping through.

I woke up feeling pretty rough this morning, so called in sick again, it was going to be a difficult day to juggle anyway as we're working with one car and everybody's day was going to end at the same time in different places.

The letters I wrote yesterday were graciously accepted. I've learnt a lot about where my boundaries lie, some of them I desire to shift, others I don't, but I'm feeling increasingly self aware, but hopefully not over confident.

Thursday

2009-10-22T18:55:00.000-07:00

I'm just tucking into some potatoes to make sure I get something in my stomach before taking my meds.

I wrote a couple of letters I needed to write last night, but wanted to run them by a friend before sending them. I wrote them into cards this morning, they were delivered this afternoon, but last I heard were still unread.

It's in God's hands now, I know I'm right before him, I've confessed my sin and stand righteous before him due to the cleansing blood of Christ! Isn't that amazing? If it weren't for that I'd be waiting for human forgiveness that may never come.

It occurred to me that my nausea could be from cutting down the seroquel, so I googled it and this is indeed possible. However I believe I do need to be off it and whilst I don't feel great, it's not awful either. The psychiatrist I saw on Wednesday seemed surprised that I was on it, I think the logic for starting the similar drug was because I presented late in pregnancy and the psychiatrist wanted to get my mood up by the time of the birth, but I've ended up on it for too long. So it's possible I'll feel worse tomorrow as I take half yesterday's dose tonight, then no more.

Andrew is pretty frazzled right now, I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow and Sausage Boy has an event at school in the middle of the day that I really want to be at and the hospital okayed at the beginning of the week, but I'm not sure how that will all work out as we're working with one car tomorrow.

Then Monday we have a well baby visit in the morning, which means vaccinations, so I want to be present to nurse afterwards, then another appointment with the new psychiatrist in the afternoon, so I'm really not sure how my future participation in the partial hospitalization program will work out. I think right now all I can do is wait until tomorrow morning and see how I am feeling.

Still sick

2009-10-22T11:06:00.001-07:00

Woke up feeling just as bad as last night, so had to call and say I wasn't going to make it to the hospital today. Not sure what to do with myself, I definitely feel worse sitting or standing than I do lieing down, but lieing down all day probably isn't a good plan.

Feeling sick

2009-10-21T19:22:00.000-07:00

I feel sick right now - Americans, that's nausea! I haven't changed any meds such that this could be a symptom, I'm pretty sure it isn't mood or anxiety. Occassionaly I get a migraine where the first symptom is feeling sick, but that's not their usual pattern. I took an anti nausea pill, but I only have ones you need to swallow, not orally disintegrating ones like I've had previously, it stayed down, but it was touch and go. I hope I'm not getting something, lots of people out there are sick right now, I'd quite like not to be one of them!