My body isn't functioning today, ok, maybe that is an exageration, though as far as my right hand and forearm were concerned for an hour or so this morning it was true, quite literally, I've no idea what happened, no specific pain, but it's range of motion and strength reduced to about 10% of normal. I could hook the handle of my insulating mug over my hand, but not grip it with my thumb, I could lift my hand to my mouth, but not angle it so the spout was in the right place.
There is obviously something not right, I started typing this pain free and it's ramping up, though just at this moment in time function is actually pretty good, though I notice more errors are appearing and surprise surprise, they are coming from the right side of the keyboard.
I've had a gentle twinge in my forearm for months, it didn't get worse, it didn't get better, so I ignored it, not conciously, it just hasn't been a big deal, looking back, I realise there has been low grade pain from about September and on occasion, when I've gripped something hard, there has been a short sharp spike of extreme pain, but it's never even repeated once the dropped item has been caught and I try again.
The only hand/arm specialists I know of are all in the group that got dropped from our insurance, one of them got to the bottom of my 10 year wrist problem in about 10 minutes, so I'd like go back to him - if I can remember his name! It's probably worth paying the out of network rates if there isn't anyone local who's in network, going into Seattle is such a big job paying our percentage for a consult is pretty reasonable.
But it's not just this, which is just an added bonus struggle, my body just isn't coping with the physical demands of 3 children, particularly when one is a crawling baby. I really need to put some time in to physical therapy, or at least private pilates, a weekly session of hydrotherapy would probably be helpful too, along with a massage to nurse my body through it.
However, the logistics of that are overwhelming, I could get a reasonable attempt at all that at our gym, which has daycare facilities, I'd have to see a PT there to get the sessions in the pool, but right now there isn't a PT there who I feel confident working with. There is a fantastic pilates instructor, but he's difficult to get in with and definitely not at a convenient time and we'd have to pay for that. The massage therapist that seems to help me most also isn't there, so up pops the childcare issue, again.
Even if I did do everything there, going there 3-4 times a week and having to physially deal with getting each child in the right place is just not realistic right now. Twelve weeks doing that would probably make a huge difference to my physical condition, which for the past three months or so seems to be what has been the biggest factor in life management, it wouldn't fix me, but hopefully it could at least get me to a place where physically managing life is a possibility.
It feels wrong to be complaining about this, when comparing now to four years ago, when I could barely walk and couldn't even use crutches to help because my hands and shoulders wouldn't cooperate. Pain and function now are so much better than then. Back then, the children didn't make much difference, my difficulties were so significant that removing the children from the scenario would have still left me unable to care for myself, not being able to carry your baby is almost an irrelevant details if you can't actually walk to start off with!
Now, it feels like if you were to take the children away, then physically I could cope and I'd be free to take the time to improve and hopefully maintain, I'd be miserable without them, but there is no way anyone would consider my physical condition to be a disability, whereas 4 years ago, I was disabled, trying to care for two children made it harder, but remove them and I'd have still needed a wheelchair, adaptations in the house, etc.
I don't think I'm expressing myself well, I suppose it's like a sports person, you can have an injury that stops your career and takes time to rehab to live a relatively normal life, or you can have an injury that not only ends your career, but makes normal life challenging too. I'm in the first category, but instead of stopping my career, I'm muddling my way through it, doing very badly because my career is my children and thankfully they don't go away but because my body isn't keeping up with what's required of it I'm placing demands on others to fill in the gap, yet also it looks like (and feels like) I'm neglecting them. If I push myself harder, I don't just suffer more, which hard though that is, it is possible (anything is possible with God!), but it isn't just pain or exhaustion, it becomes muscle failure and being unsafe. Sometimes I can't get up off the floor, not because it's painful, I just can't, I can usually trying something else, or grab on to something, I don't worry about it, I don't have fear, but it happens, same with many other things. Plus, pain is distracting, what I have right now is nothing like childbirth, but even someone who copes very well with childbirth can't do that and drive a car at the same time.
I don't want to get into a mentality of trying to fix my body and thinking life will be hunky dory, but right now my body is teetering on the edge of making life unsafe or putting demands upon my husband that there aren't enough hours in the day for him to meet.