Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Reflections

I've been thinking a lot recently about home, nationality, cultural identity, that kind of thing. Eventhough I don't feel this causes a lot of surface emotion for me, I think underneath it's something that is causing me to feel quite unsettled and causing me some anxiety.

We've been here 3 years now and have no imminent plans to return to the UK, we don't even really have any vague plans. Last time it came up, I think we both still felt that in the very long term we'll be in the UK, but that's only very vague and I can easily see that it might not happen.

Either way living here has changed me in so many ways that I don't think England will ever feel truely home.

In all this I have to remember that all this is in God's hands, when we first moved here I felt very secure in the knowledge that it was His plan and that He knew the plan for our future even though we didn't. I can see now that as we settled in and things weren't quite so new that my thoughts didn't turn to this very often and then it's hit me today that I'm not trusting Him about the bigger picture, though I'm not taking it into my own hands and planning my own future either, I'm just not thinking about it at all.

This then makes me reflect deeper about how we are supposed to live and I'm not sure that's even a place I have the resources or strength to think deeply on right now. All I know is that right now this is making me feel quite unsettled and frankly I don't know how anyone copes with that on a purely human level.

No comments: