In the past few days I've been able to step back and look at the bigger picture of how things are going. I'm trying to see it as a positive thing that I can step back, but unfortunately when I do, I really don't like what I see.
When I do step back, I realise it's been a year since I first saw signs of depression, 7 months since I started treatment and yet I'm still far from well. One way of looking at it is to say that after Sausage Boy was born, it did take until after Christmas for things to really start looking up, but I wasn't depressed in pregnancy with him, though as I do think there is a hormonal component to this, perhaps that time frame is how long it takes for hormonal normality to be restored.
On the other hand, I have to consider that maybe time isn't going to do the trick and that somehow we have to make changes, both in life and with my medication to turn the corner.
I've been reading a little bit about symptoms of depression and how they would influence medication choices and I'm feeling that just an SSRI probably isn't a good fit for me, however, having had a severe reaction to Cymbalta, an SNRI, then taking any that have an effect on norepinephrine is something that needs to be approached with caution.
I felt like I was stuck on what else we could play around with medicationwise, because of breastfeeding and I was beginning to consider that maybe stopping breastfeeding might be best for the whole family. I made sure to say this all to my doctor today, including how I really didn't feel comfortable about stopping breastfeeding. Thankfully she had other ideas, that we should try to address my sleep issues more effectively as it's obvious that these are having a huge effect on my coping ability. We haven't seen any evidence of Grace reacting to the adderall I've been taking, so she suggested that I take an extra half dose at about 2pm. She also suggested that as I got good results with ambien for sleep that I go back to that, I'd stopped it back in April because my previous psychiatrist felt it contributed to lowering my mood, but the new one thinks that it's worth trying.
So I took my extra dose this afternoon and I definitely feel a lot better at this time than I did the past few days, which is encouraging. I need to get the ambien prescription filled before bed, but I'm hopeful about that too.
I find this particular doctor very encouraging, it's not anything she says, more her whole personality. Even though I've only seen her three times, I felt with very little explanation from me that she understood how I felt about breastfeeding and grasped that I was at a point where things really needed to change and that for me to be even presenting it as an option that I really was feeling pretty desperate. She's given me the confidence that I can make it a few more weeks which will give Grace her 6 months of exclusive breastfeeding and gives me more time to see if time is helping. I'm really pleased about this as yesterday I wasn't sure how I'd even make it to the weekend.