In an effort not to be ashamed of what has been going on, I've decided to be as open as I feel possible here. Some stuff is relational stuff, not just with my spouse, but others too, I have to be respectful to them and keep that stuff off here.
On Friday night it became clear that I have issues with paranoia and not seeing things as they really are. It does seem to be that I magnify small things in the correct direction and that things that aren't there at all aren't an issue, no voices in my head, no psychosis, just making more of a deal out of something simple like an unreturned phone call than I should.
As a result of this some friends encouraged me to consider assessment at a local behavioural health facility (the politically correct word for loony bin!), I agreed to that and it was suggested that I consider their day treatment program, to which I eventually, with great trepidation agreed.
It begins on Monday morning, they couldn't give me an exact timetable of what would happen, but it sounds like it's two approx one hour sessions of stuff in the morning, lunch, then the same in the afternoon. The idea is that the baby will be brought at lunch time for me to feed her, the intake person we saw seemed very supportive of that.
I'm still pretty convinced that I "just" have severe post partum depression, but that because of particular dynamics in our household and family situation that it presents slightly oddly, that what my psychiatrist calls "acting out", isn't a mood swing or a cry for attention, but more related to my inability to deal with situations, both because of lack of skills and my depressive illness.
There, I've said it, lack of skills, one of the things they teach in the day program is various skills for coping and dealing with difficult situations.
The good thing about a day program should be that it's less dehumanising than an inpatient program, without all the hours of boredom, instead of being completely cut off from the outside world, I get to come home each day and stay involved with real life too, though that is a bit scary, as I think the sessions will take a lot out of me physically and emotionally and people around me are not just asking that I take the step of going into this program, but also many other things.