Wednesday, June 17, 2009

more on depression

Thanks to medication my mood isn't down in the pits, if you were to bump into me and chat with me, you'd not notice anything out of the ordinary, you may even think I'm doing really well. But that isn't the whole story and whilst superficially I might seem relatively well, the bigger picture is more complicated. Of course some of that is simply recovering from pregnancy, delivery and having a newborn in the house and some of it is due to other medical conditions.

I feel a million miles away from running a household and caring for 3 children and being a helpmeet to my husband, even just running a household seems like a huge task. Even cooking a meal is surprisingly challenging, when a few months ago I was completely on top of that, with a different meal everyday, cooking double portions some days to freeze and basically having us all eat pretty well. One of the reasons for cooking in bulk, is that if I'm going to go to the effort of figuring out a recipe, then I might as well do it many times over, but that's a change from the days when following a recipe was a non issue.

Having been through depression before, thankfully I know that things will change, but one thing that won't change for a while is taking medication. When I was on Zoloft before, I didn't notice whilst I was on it, but when I came off it, it seemed like my capacity to love, to enjoy etc really expanded. I'm more alert to that this time, though obviously it's hard to know whether some of it is an effect of depression rather than medication.

In summary, I think I'm doing ok, good even, but things are a long way from normal and communicating that to others isn't always easy, and if people perceive me as normal, I'm liable to overdo things and crash.

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