I'm hazy on how much I've said on here, but I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that I had severe depression after my first was born and also that I've been depressed recently. I'm not sure that I've made it clear just how severe my recent troubles have been, it's hard to compare two things 6 years apart, but this has been as bad as the postnatal depression, possibly worse, which is BAD in the grand scheme of things, I was in hospital for a while when I had postnatal depression.
So here I am a week after the birth of our surprise 3rd baby, on a high dose of antidepressants, but still inclined to bawl my eyes out for no apparent reason. Baby blues affect far more women than postnatal depression, it's normal for women to be tearful in the days after a baby is born, I didn't experience this after the birth of my first, so when it hit with a vengeance after the birth of my 2nd it was a surprise and very scary. The same seems to be happening now, this morning was hard for me, Andrew and the kids went out to church, I made a concious decision before Grace was even born that I wouldn't go this week, that I was not going to push myself physically or emotionally. The good thing was that in my despair I was crying out to God to help me, to help me rest in Him and trust Him with all my fears.
There is no telling what the next few months will bring, my psychiatrist's hope is that I'm on the road to recovery, that giving birth will not trigger the beginning of another depressive episode. Sometimes recovery looks just as scary as illness, I've forgotten what normal is, I can't remember when I last cooked dinner, last drove a car and so on.
Whilst I feel completely content with having delivered Grace by c-section (thrilled actually!), it does add some difficulty at this point as little things that can help lift your mood, like having dinner with your family aren't happening as I need to limit my use of the stairs.
I think I need to pray for contentment, I actually have a very blessed situation right now, very few men get a month paid paternity leave, so whilst I am free to take time over recovery and just look after Grace whilst I get looked after, rather than having to struggle to look after a family.