Tuesday, March 10, 2009

rollercoaster ride

This pregnancy has been really up and down, both physically and emotionally. In some ways, physically, I'm surprised how well I've been doing, even though I feel a fair bit worse than at the same stage in previous pregnancies, but in previous pregnancies I didn't start out being 10 months after having relatively major hip surgery. My upper back was also in a worse state, again unsurprising having had an impact injury and possible broken vertabra just 6 weeks after last giving birth, followed by a car accident in July 07. It's a wierd feeling to be both pleased and frustrated with where I'm at both at the same time.

Moodwise, I've always been sensitive to hormones, but my low spots recently have been pretty bad, it's been the lowest I've felt in my life, other than when I had postnatal depression, but different in the sense that now I feel like I do have things to be anxious about, to feel low about, when back then, it used to drive me crazy when people wanted to talk about how I was feeling - when I hear people talking about typical postnatal depression, I rarely identify with any of the words used to describe feelings, whereas now I do and I definitely feel those kind of emotions are genuine concerns as to how I'll feel after the baby comes, but then with things like "overwhelmed", who doesn't feel overwhelmed with 3 kids!

It doesn't help that so much of my anxieties and concerns are surrounding the end of pregnancy and birth that I haven't really even thought much about life with baby! I'm getting so anxious about things that I'm losing sight of normality and feeling like I cannot trust my decision making at all, I almost feel like I could flip either way, refusing a c-section if it turns out it would be the best for us, or suddenly deciding that I will have a c-section even if no new factors present (my history is such that it really is on the cusp of choosing which risks you want to take).

We saw our midwife today and I did manage to express some of this, though I was finding it hard to express myself. She wants me to try some other things for physical issues, mainly a chiropracter, I explained that I felt that this was rather like trying to put a sticking plaster on a gushing artery, though she quite reasonably pointed out that I might as well at least try. I did feel that I was helped by the chiropracter I was seeing at this stage with Banana Girl, but not so much by any I've seen since, he was trained in Australia, which could make a difference, or it could have just been him, so I am willing to try another one. Turns out the midwife's husband is a chiropracter, so she will talk to him before I see him, which hopefully will mean he has a reasonable overview of what is going on, I've felt with chiropracters that I've seen here that they really rush and I don't actually feel I manage to communicate at all the impact a particular pain is having on me.

Everything seems to be fine with the baby, measureing spot on, though I don't find that particularly reassuring as so did Sausage Boy until 32 weeks, when he slowed growth dramatically, whereas Banana Girl always measured behind, yet popped out at 8lb8oz. BP was a little wierd, I thought 120/58, both numbers are normal range, but such a gap seems unusual. Baby is probably breech, but is moving around so much that this is a non issue, I'm 26 weeks, so there is still plenty of time.

1 comment:

jonathan said...

Sorry to hear it's such a roller-coaster ride. Thinking and praying for you, Sausage Boy, Banana Girl and The Scotsman.